***hope that I like it (NURSING)****

I feel disillusioned with the once idealistically utopian career of nursing which I have chosen. Once seeming so noble and inspirational, and good achievable, now seems so loomingly difficult and wearying. Wondering why I chose a science major (and one which made school so very un-enjoyable) when English, reading/writing was my best subject (and most enjoyed) throughout school. When I love humanities. As I'm wishing I had majored in literature/writing and philosophy plus taken art, psychology, religious studies, and language classes. How much I'd rather have my head in the dreamy clouds of thought and feeling, rather than the trenches of human suffering, and not only that but mean people who curse at you because they want to go down to smoke, and a generally harsh world.

My final practicum didn't really inspire and encourage me, though I learned much certainly. It gave me a taste of the difficulty ahead and the obstacles I'll face. The face of pain and suffering wears on one. People are quite rude at times when one isn't at fault. And the credit received rarely shadows matching the difficulty of the job and the appreciation deserved. But here I go, hoping to make some sort of a difference and avoid being ineffably dragged down to despondency by the cruelty and hurt. It's so much more scary as a reality than a theory/ideal. But that's life is it not? "It will take all of you, it will not be easy..."

Yet this is my calling, of this I have no doubt, and that herein lies real life, I am certain. That this is where I am needed and where I can connect in the depths of human suffering. To reach out as a human soul to another, and as one filled with the compassion only possible through Grace. To give my best to each one every single day, no matter how tired, discouraged, clumsy, hurt I may feel. And this only possible of God. Love is only possible through Him, and true compassionate care only possible through love. This is my calling. "Here I stand, God help me. I can do no other."