PS

I knew I was opening a can of worms by expressing my opinion, but I would never want to silence anyone's voice, regardless if I agree with their perspective. After all, I walk in my own shoes, no one else's.

I keep retuning to the idea in my spirit, that no matter what one believes, whether or not one holds to the traditional beliefs of Christians and traditional/conservative interpretations of scripture, one does no good by judging the sins of others.

In fact, we often do a LOT of harm in doing so. If we will listen to people half as much as we condemn them, we will know and see this. And I stand by the fact that there is SO much we do not and cannot fully understand correctly, despite all our study of scripture, for we are finite beings, and only God himself is worthy to say he knows or comprehends with absolute certainty. So instead, let us try something:

Let us focus on our own sin, listen to God's voice and word, pure and unadulterated by human opinion and cultural confines, and do a lot more listening to the stories and lives of God's children, regardless of their race, gender, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status.

Let us love and welcome, rather than exclude and alienate those who are different than we are. After all, is this not the very thing Jesus did, much to the horror of the religious leaders of his time?

On Homosexuality and the Christian Church

Hmm this duck dynasty Phil Robertson thing....

The issue of homosexuality to the Christian conservatives is certainly a hot button, and I am no expert to weigh in. I will offend people on either side of the debate I feel certain, but as a believer in God, in Christ of the Bible, who was raised in the Bible Belt, then schooled in life in San Fransisco for the past 8.5 years, I have dipped my toes in the ocean of both worlds. And I love them both dearly. And here is my take:

From the Christian conservative perspective, this is what the Bible, interpreted literally and not adjusted for cultural and time contexts, clearly states, that homosexuality is a grave sin.

But the problem I have is with Christians or really anyone declaring to hold exclusive rights on "truth". Yes I understand that to Christians this is the definition of our beliefs, of our savior as "the way, the truth, the life", but is not everything, including our scripture, subject to individual (or pastoral/theological) human interpretation?

Phil Robertson and what feels like 99% of Christians view the Bible as: "The scripture written thousands of years ago by many God-inspired authors says homosexuality is a vile sin, so today in 2013 is is still a vile sin (and in fact is one of the MOST unnatural and vile sins). End of discussion." But do they not see how many of their everyday sins of lust, greed, and jealousies are also vile and punishable by death in the eyes of a righteous God? So then is it our place to point fingers and declare ANYONE as hell-bound of all things? (Read Rob Bell's Love Wins for more on this...)

So do we give Robertson the right to express his views? I think we should. But should we as Christians not as well begin a discussion of why we believe the things we do? Should we not self examine the logs in our own eye and consider this topic from the viewpoint of and walking in the shoes of our homosexual brothers and sisters?

I know of believing homosexuals who have struggled so painfully thanks to Christians and their judgements. Do straight Christians know what it feels like to want to connect to God, to sincerely miss the fellowship of Christians in their life, to yearn for the family community of His church but to not feel welcome there? To have been taught through the church SO much guilt and abhorrence for homosexuality that they do not feel worthy to approach the God who created them? How it must feel to WANT and feel the need to change themselves, but not being able to change who they are? We can say it is a choice all we want because of what our sacred scriptures state, but have we ever walked in the shoes of the individual who tried to walk these "Biblical" ways, married, had kids, lived the life they were supposed to, but ultimately could not suppress who they were and how they felt?

I know I don't. I haven't experienced it. So how can I sit back and point fingers at anyone? Why is it so important to us to maintain these rigid ideals of what families, what love can look like? I believe in following and looking to scripture for wisdom, but at what point do we completely throw out our life experiences or the stories of people we know, love, and respect, for the declarations of our scriptures so many years ago? I am not saying whether homosexuality is "wrong" or "right". Since when is it my place to decide this? Since when is it any of ours? Can we declare someone of a different race, religion, cultural background, physical ability or something they were otherwise born into to be "right" or "wrong"? This is between each individual and God. Call it liberal wishy-washiness all you want, I call it following Christ--you know the one who broke bread with prostitutes, Samaritans, and tax collectors but condemned the religious leaders of his time--yeah that guy.

We need to stop judging people into a corner, or judging them right out the door and far far away from the God that they must conclude hates them, because they cannot, no matter how they have tried, change their feelings or who they are. If we want people to see Jesus and feel able to approach him, we need to stop telling them that they are perverted freaks of nature, step one.  And step two, if we are going to preach taking the logs out of our own eyes, we need to lay off other people's sins and fricking go ahead and do what we are proclaiming. Blaming homosexuals for the world's problems is ridiculous, reprehensible, and mighty self-eye-log-oblivious.

In the Christian community it is seen that this is very different from racism or judging and excluding someone by the color of their skin. But in the rest of society, it is seen as parallel. Maybe you aren't judging based on skin color, or say a physical disability, but you are excluding based on sexual orientation. Who am I do declare this as a "choice" when I haven't been there or felt what these individuals feel. And if you are a straight Christian, have you never lusted over someone you were not married to? Did not JESUS himself call this an act of adultery to lust after your "neighbor's wife"? So could we not interpret this to mean that we should all be outcasts from God's family as we all have participated in the type of "vile sexual sin" we condemn? Which one of us has not harbored some secret sin that we know full well we should not be doing/thinking/entertaining but struggled so in changing? "What I want to do I do not do, and what I do I hate."  So then are we any less the "sinner"?  I say NO. HELL NO.

For myself personally, I have been defeated and spiritually oppressed by my own guilt and self-hatred, thanks to the judements and scriptual interpretations by other believers. The well meaning scripture quoting of Christians can be an act of aggression and bigotry. I don't believe it is intended, in fact in most cases, I believe the Christian truly believes he/she is doing God's holy work, but has it become more akin to jihad (or the crusades) than love? Is it an "us vs them", Christians versus "our perverse culture" situation?  I think we have forgotten who the real enemy is (to draw a Catching Fire parallel, lol) in fighting against our fellow humans, all of whom are broken and aching for God's healing. I know I am.

So I can see the perspective that Robertson should not be fired for expressing his beliefs, just because we disagree with him. I mean, most of us choose to laugh off the stuff that goes on in all those kitsch reality "Deep South" shows, it is, after all, entertainment. But I also think that as Christians, as a whole, we need to re-examine our unwavering, harsh, critical stance towards homosexuality.  And if perhaps homosexuality is NOT a "choice", just imagine with me for a brief moment, if that is so hard to believe, that is is something one is born with, just as each person is born with brown hair or female anatomy or 5 foot 11, or with 20/20 vision.  IF this is the case, then can you see how telling someone they are WRONG for being homosexual just as being wrong for being female or having blue eyes or having curly hair or a speech impediment could be seen as bigotry or abhorrent and hateful? For being akin to slavery or the holocaust?

Christians, have you never met a homosexual person (for me, a great many individuals) who was more moral, more generous, or more loving than half (or 95%) of the people in your church, and felt in the pit of your stomach that something was not right with condemning this person to hell? Have you not felt deep spiritual unease at this thought or this part of your God and faith? Have you not felt humbled in God's presence and ability to surprise us and to be GOD instead of us?  To have a completely unexpected plan that we cannot comprehend?  If you havent, then I am sorry and hope you will soon. If you have, then you know what I am talking about, and are hopefully open to this "sacred questioning" (credit David Dark) of which I am speaking.  To this holy examining of our most passionate beliefs and interpretation of our holy scriptures.  It will be a lifelong journey, a song that never resolves until Jesus returns, for only He holds all the answers to life's many conundrums. I will take this arduous journey, and accept that I don't know all the answers, and my faith and my God cannot fit inside a little churchy box; for in this journey of the unknown is real life.   I want to grow.  I want to create space for people like Jesus did. Who is with me?

   

I'm used to you now!

Remember when we had just met?

My love said this to me this morning, ha ha ha ha whenever we are together we do nothing but smile and laugh and giggle and laugh some more and all it takes is a look to set us off. I know that we are supposed to be together, because it's so easy and I know that we make each other so so happy. Thank you God.

On John 9

At Bible study Friday night, we read John 9. Jesus healing a blind man. And I think about a friend's question about if you could meet one person in time here in the flesh, and how obviously I would choose Jesus. Not as a Sunday School cliche, but more along the lines of The Bronze Bow, and how moving it was to read about the main character encountering Jesus. How true, how pure, how amazing to meet Him and experience his heart towards me.

And we discussed that Jesus' spit, what came out of his mouth, much like his words, being spirit and light, was mixed with the dirt, with our humanity, and what he made was clay. A blend of humanity and spirit. Then he put it on the man's eyes, which made his vision even more impossible, until he had him WASH. This, like baptism with water and spirit, is what symbolized and sealed this man's new life beginning, and lo and behold, he who was blind could now see.

I recall my blindness, my darkness of heart and spirit. How Jesus opened my eyes and gave me a new life on May 29, 2011.  It was my road to Damascus, my encounter with the Living Lord.

That day I could see. And when I struggle in the present, in the flesh, I must remember where I was before that day, and see how far I have come. The loneliness and turmoil and despair that inhabited me until that day, has been replaced with clarity and true love. And it is overwhelming to consider this. I need to remember and be grateful.


"Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!"

And I still don't understand all that,

my past, my previous post.
There was never a clear explanation, nor do I expect it to ever be laid out plainly like a math equation on graph paper.

All I do know, is my Ebenezer, my turning point, the event to which all I need is look back and recall to know that God indeed loves me and is involved in my life.

Actually there are two.
One is my love, my honey, my future husband.
My encourager, uplifter, who treasures and makes me laugh every day. The one who entered my life out of nowhere, and at a timing I could have never predicted or foretold. From day one it was easy, obvious. We belonged together and it just works. Period. Peace in the gift. In the growth, in the miracle, in there existing someone I could not believe was out there.

And he entered my life so soon after my other memory 'stone' of God's nearness, that they are practically intertwined...

Jesus I Come

I've been thinking a bit lately about how I want and need to write my story.
Sis and I were talking about our mutual need to do so, and many who know me
have encouraged me to write it. I want to, but sometimes don't know where to start.

 I have had the opportunities lately to share some of my story with friends I haven't seen in years.
And it has been very healing to do so, and I am slowly accepting more and more the different
parts of my story, the parts that have been too painful to embrace for so long.

 When I think about the thick darkness that dominated my life from May 5, 2009,
until May 20, 2011, I still weep. I weep because I remember the intensity of my pain,
my confusion, my loneliness, my fear, my longing.

When God felt SO far from my heart, and it ached every day for Him.
Over his absence, His abandonment, the lack of His presence.
And I still long for Him.

 There were many months wherein I doubted Him, resented Him, cursed Him.
I did not know how to pray, how to believe in Him or His goodness.
I had friends and family intercede for me, as we all cried out wordlessly for His saving of me.
 And He did, He miraculously did.

 For months my heart believed that chaos reigned, and in addition to random destruction,
something intentionally sinister was plotting every minute detail against me.
Every tiny subsequence was for a dark purpose.

 I didn't want to live. I didn't know how.
 For months, for a few years, I could not see a future for myself.
I no longer had dreams or visions of what I hoped for.
There was nothingness, there was grieving, there was profound loss.

 I no longer knew myself. I no longer cared. And God was distant.

 And yet I went to church, most Sundays and Thursdays.

 And every week I wept. I could not make it through a service.

 I would mostly bawl through the entire thing. So desperate was my heart for God.
So abandoned I was by Him. So very alone.

 Everything I had known of Him and loved of Him seemed nothing less than a sick lie.
Every word we sang in church sent me into a rage, my soul screamed "BULLSHIT!"

 What kind of protector, deliverer, defender of the weak are YOU?!
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOUR PROTECTION??
What were you doing, what were you thinking, did you watch, did you look away???

 And my soul grieved the loss of my closest friend, my safety. My hope.
Among other personal things.
Because surely this was no God to rely on or care for.
Surely this is not how anyone would treat their child, not even their enemy.

 And a sadness, a bottomless, fathomless sadness drowned me for two years.
And I made foolish choices in its wake.
And I got hurt more by selfish people who took advantage of my lostness.
And I got judged by people I trusted.

 And I was ALONE.

 I knew it would be easier to forsake God and live a life denying His existence.
Much easier it would be to reconcile my experiences to reality.
We are just complex molecules made by chance, floating through space,
why wouldn't horrible things happen in a world where entropy is the only reality?
How much simpler if I didn't have to reconcile it all to a "good" yet omnipotent God?

 And yet I could never "quit" Him. My heart though it seethed at Him never ceased to acknowledge deep down that He IS. My unconscious self would not let go of Him, and I know now that it is because He never let go of me, despite how it felt and appeared.

  “Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Eben-ezer, saying, Hitherto hath the Lord helped us.” 1 Samuel 7:12 

...to be continued :)

back to this blog after quite a hiatus :)

i'm trying to understand the darkness and who God can be in light of it. i still have trouble trusting God, despite all the good, the miracles he has worked in my life. the paradigm of my youth did not hold up to my experiences, and though i have let God enter my heart again, i still at times carry fear in my heart. because i do not understand what he permits and why and how and i fear what he may allow in the future. i know i can trust him ultimately, but i don't always know how. just like i know i need to forgive (and whom) but i don't really know how. i think prayer is important for these heart changes that i cannot instruct myself to carry out. and as He never gives up on me, I too will not give up on His healing and grace.