barely a vapor

i live life with much zeal, fervor, and optimism
but today i had the wind socked out of me
punched in the stomach this morning

but there's dave's comment
jose, laura, and denise's kindness
paula and thuy's sadness
l'bert's congratulatory banter
and ron's touching remarks



God you know where i'm rattled and unhinged
my fears my desires my devastation
my guilt my shame my sorrow

of course we had to end on that note

and i left with tears streaming

and wrote:

shit
just endured one final meeting/lecture with my boss
of not seeing eye to eye of her understanding me
pure defensiveness
i don't blame of hate her
but she does not see my world

and how's she gonna lay on the guilt like that
so that I leave feeling like a total scumbag
so that I leave worried about her feelings
apologizing...
having that kind of heavy convo after I've worked ALL damn night

i actually do feel quite bad for gossiping or saying anything at all negative
but it just shows how clearly she does not see me or my side
that we're so far gone i didn't feel free to completely share my mind
how could i
when she was crying about me making her the bad guy.
really?

i just can't believe she made me leave feeling like a terrible person
and a stupid one (who could've gotten time off but gave up too easily)
and a shady gossip

and i was feeling so relieved and at peace with my decision
and then my joy was robbed

i don't know
i mean i feel like i made the right decision
lack of experience may have caused some mistakes along the way
but i sure wasn't trying to hate on anyone
however i still feel that the way it was handled was too rigid
she wanted to teach me about keeping open communication
well i guess i haven't felt for awhile
that it was a place i could really honestly communicate

i have been shot down
lectured
misunderstood
and felt undervalued
one too many times

but it sucks that i leave with that bitter taste in my mouth
and the feeling where she's still on top
still can sleep at night
because I get to keep the blame
and feel like shit
for how it went down, instead of her

that every rumor about her being unwilling to give me time off
can be reduced to me giving up too easily
pursuing it too late
and then blaming her for my lack of resolve to make it work

i see her point and i guess i should feel bad/learn a lesson a little
but overall, it's just more of the same
failure to see on our level, from our perspective
and defensiveness of every decision on their part

this is the end of an era
the thing is that it came out of nowhere
ran up and blindsided me
i didn't expect any of this
and i'm still a bit incredulous at what's transpired

help me God

surreality

can't believe it's my last night.... bittersweet but SO excited about Sudan
hard to believe it's real
looking forward to all the weekend's festivities

maybe i'm just nice, maybe i'm (e)stupid

i know erik, i get called both, all the time:)
he patted my head and said i know that if we keep on, doing/being good, working hard, something good will come our way. we are kindred like that. childlike natures too. i listen to him a lot. his torment over chacha and his weird situation at home. how did i come to care about him? i have learned a lot from him, truly. i value him as a person, as a friend, a close one.

yesterday seems like such a long time ago

i wanna get myself attached to something bolted down
so these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around

it's been an incredible week with cha and kiki
i don't want them to leeeeaaave!

my outlook has been up lately
excitement and newness
but all is in flux
little is processed
i need time to gather my thoughts
prepare my heart for the trip!