death and suffering don't make sense/ want someone to share it with

Nothing is passe in this life. It doesn't matter how many times I see someone die, or how many conversations about goals of care I participate in, it doesn't get easier or softer. I know a man who allowed his wife to make the decision today to go to palliative care. A young man with 4 kids and grandchildren. A man who sobbed and said "she's been there for me through everything." A man who started weeping when his wife nodded yes to the option that involved no pain but no life extending measures. The worst part of all was when her face crumpled into sorrow and she burst out into tears, just after making this crucial decision. I may never forget that face. The face of absolute anguish, all facial muscles drawn downwards into one dramatically overt frown. The face of utter defeat and sadness. The face of realizing she was agreeing to leave her husband and children behind. The bravery and unbelievable grief behind her husband's wet eyes as he stroked her arm and chided her "i'm right here, i won't leave you, just sleep". His reply to the doc "we used to be Catholic, but found there to be too much guilt involved.... things have always been hard..." to the doc's question what keeps them going during these times, silence. I though SHIT, this is not how it's supposed to work. There is nothing right, fair, OK, permissable, understandable, rational, sane, sensible, fathomable about a situation like this. It utterly sucks. It screams injustice, reproach, rebellion, insanity, evil. What the hell is going on in this world? I can never quite forget the reality of this harsh, f-ed up world. I guess it's why I play so hard on my days off. Because the sobering reality could weight your feet to the ocean floor if you let it. The depths of desolation and sorrow on this earth know no end.

And if it seems like an accident, a collage of senselessness; you weren't looking hard enough. I wasn't looking hard enough.

gotta work hard, play hard, cry hard, laugh hard, pray hard, thank hard, love hard, live hard. life is hard. life is short. don't hold back.

So that's how I learned the lesson that everyone's aloneAnd your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna growBut when crying don't help, you can't compose yourselfIt's best to compose a poemAn honest verse of longing or a simple song of hopeThat's why I'm singing baby don't worry, cause now I got you backAnd every time you feel like crying you know I'll try and make you laughBut if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we'll wait for it to passAnd I will keep you company through those days so long and blackAnd we'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solveOf love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a wholeBut if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wallThen I think we'd see the beauty there and stand staring in aweAt our still lives posedLike a bowl of orangesLike a story told by the fault lines and the soil

"breaking necks and breaking hearts"

marcelle diane --- on the screen

"special girl that marcelle" Jung Hee saying "how about your brother? I know she's a white girl and all, but she's really Korean." She's got my back. they all do, is the thing, and I am overwhelmed by the goodness and grace.

"we forgive you Marcelle (for not liking county music) since you like Asian music"

i feel so so so grateful for my wonderful friends. for the gift of a day off to go to church, Jtown for lunch, play kickball and football in GGP, have dinner and deep conversation, then onto bowling with the guys. getting pointers on my form and improving some 20 points. some fun banter over IM and onto bed. i have a family away from home, and I am so so sososososoossoooooo blessed.