"the Russian mystic Gurdjieff said that addiction to suffering was the one he had the hardest time getting his students to give up...a deep unwillingness to let go of the need to make life hard."

misguided

"in losing our innocence, we can gain wisdom, and in the process of gaining wisdom, we gain a new innocence. The instinctual organism does not sit in judgment; it only does what it does. All you have to do is get out of the way." the organism doesn't know guilt and shame and all those negative complexities imposed upon us by religion and society. how tied the "virginity movement" is to anti-feminism and perpetuating gender roles and inequality. how the fear and shame and guilt of my religious upbringing made me less, not more ready to defend and protect myself. teaching of passive submission and boundless self-giving, non-violence and non-hatred....

i have learned to get in touch with my anger, be strong, stand up for myself. i'm not always going to be successful. but i have learned this. thinking about wanting to level with certain people about my feelings. being honest and vulnerable instead of defensive. but still saying the truth on my behalf. recalling both my upbringing and natural personality.. how this combination lends itself so naturally to me becoming a doormat. i was raised to yield to the demands and injustices imposed upon me by others and taught that this was the right thing, it was obedience to my parents, to "be the one to end it" when others started quarrels, with the fact that i was the "oldest" being cited as the reason i should not retaliate or should yield to their desires... i always knew this to be woefully unjust, but adults are always telling kids "well life's not fair", and i was a good girl. i learned to do what i've always done: swallow hard, cry a few hot tears over the injustice, and turn the other cheek. i learned to be a doormat. a self-sacrificing, altruistic, idealistic, good-intentioned idiot. i learned not to have a voice or an opinion, but to do as i'm told, and always put other peoples' needs before my own. recently i've been told that i have to learn to be a little selfish. i forgot how to be aware of or in tune with my own needs, i guess.