God please help me trust you!

everything's topsy turvy
i have so much fear
in myself and your plans
i'm not ready for any of this.
how did it happen

"if you wanna see the future then go stare into a cloud"

Devil's in the Details Bright Eyes

A house of cards
The supple heart
Is not a place to dwell
Now you have your cake
Don't hesitate
Come on and just do it
Come on, just do it

Put it in your mouth
There is only now
Tomorrow has to wait
But know there's no backing out
This is gonna be reality
You can never dream it down
I have no way of telling the two apart
Well, I made amends
In the general sense
But the devil's in the details

And I know the cost And I wanna stop
But I can't do it I just can't do it
There was love I meantThere were accidents
So tell me which is which
Because I just can't work it out
But for memory and clarity
We had better write it down
I have no way of knowing the truth with time dissolves

I put the past into the ground I saw the future as a cloud
If there's still time to turn around
I'm going to It's just, one day I fell asleep
And all day, all night I dream
I am the first one I deceive
If I can make myself believe the rest is easy.

didn't take photos

but had such a fun morning. small crew for ultimate and even smaller for crepes. laughing and talking, feeling comfortable, relaxed with friends. mind's still reeling with decisions made as uncertaintly looms.

lime tree bright eyes

I keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes
Since the operation I heard you're breathing just for one
Now everything is imaginary, especially what you love
You left another message said it's done,It's done
When I hear beautiful music it's always from another time
Old friends I never visit, I remember what they're like
..I keep going outI can't sleep next to a stranger when I'm coming down
It's 8 a.m. my heart is beating too loudToo loud
Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much
I felt something that I had never touched
Everything gets smaller now the further that I go
Towards the mouth and the reunion of the Known and the Unknown
Consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home
You can move mountains with your misery if you don't
If you don'tIt comes to me in fragments, even those still split in two
Under the leaves of that old Lime Tree I stood examining the fruit
Some were ripe and some were rotten, I felt nauseous with the truth
There will never be a time more opportune
So I just won't be late
The window closes, shock rolls over in a tidal wave
And all the color drains out of the frame
So pleased with a daydream that now living is no good
I took off my shoes and walked into the woods
I felt lost and found with every step I took

i thought D-day was a month ago... how it's drawn out

instead tomorrow's the day. i'm 95% certain that i'm quitting my job of 4 years.... i'm actually feeling quite relieved. i guess i needed a kick in the seat in order to move on from what was comfortable. sigh. i didn't want it to go down this way, but here i am. what more can i do?

but i talk in the mirror to the stranger that appears, our conversations are circles, always one-sided, nothing is clear
except we keep coming back to this meaning that i lack
he says the choices were given
now you must live them
or just not live...
but do you want that

why does it have to be UNCLEAR

shades of gray
painstaiking halfway answers
one day out so that i still have timet to act
so i have to make the calls and hope for responses, today
DAYUM
i. hate. this.
reservations about the ministry position
fears financial
should i apply for per diem
WTF
i am lost.
i am weary
why does it have to be toil
can i just have a clear cut answer what the ell i'm supposed to do with my life???
what am i supposed to DO?

each day we die a little more

and let me each day die a little more to my flesh
live each day as if our time is running out
as in fact it is.
but each day i must live unto the Lord
as it is a precious gift
given that I may be His hands/feet in this dying world
a shining light on a hill
not suffering in interminable silence
despairing and self-destructing
living FREEE, free from sin, death, corruption
free to love others in a way that is surprising and countercultural
that is freakish and unusual, if need be
that is nothing about me but all about Him

i don't know how i bought all the lies
why i started wanting what everyone else values
how i got so confused

take me back to where i belong Abba
transform and sustain me
cleanse and renew and utilize me
make me pure and Holy unto you


guess i needed a wake-up call
teach me to love thee as i ought to love
all i want is to be in the light

Runners Dial Zero... Beck. in my head for some reason..

By the dried up stream
We slit our throats and dreamed
But when the building's burned
Was there some concerned
Mother laid in bed
What was it she said?
Gather all your worldly jewels
And scatter them like fools
Don't you make a fuss
Days so perilous
When day is done we'll ride
Who cares what we find
Another misspent night
We thought we got it right
The driver lost a wheel
The ice turned into steel
They shivered like refugees
Way down on our knees
By the dried up stream
We slit our throats and dreamed
But when the building's burned
Was there some concerned
Mother laid in bed

suddenly gripped with fear

talked to mom today about how this morning was the first moment i thought "what am i going to do?... and am I really ready to quit my job of 4 years???" *GULP*

talked about how if you're not actively seeking God and good influences in your life, you are by default acquiescing to he who prowls like a roaring lion looking to devour. entropy. we self-destruct. our wiring is sin and that's why he must DELIVER us from evil. we are so weak and so prone to sin. nothing's neutral. i wish it was. i wish i hadn't learned from personal experience that this is the way it works. but there's no such thing as taking a break. can you stop the swinging pendulum that is time? no. we can't have that kind of lazy respite from the fight. the never-ending journey and struggle that is this life. the crucial eternal-consequence-laden battle that is our Christian walk. everything we do/say/think here echoes in eternity, whether we like it or not. nothing is neutral. nothing is static. nothing is without consequence. sigh. how many times have we bought the lies telling us otherwise. i've made such mistakes in my life. deliver us from evil, Father.

"prone to wander Lord I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart o take an seal it
seal it for thy courts above."

i'll be sucked into the packing vortex

i almost got late
said mom about helping the boys pack for N. O.
"pack my suitcase?Q!?" -perry

sigh. so many mistakes lately

being intermittently overwhelmed

in a different light
in another time
things could/would be so different

fragrances that linger
wistful for decisions made and their lost impact

suddenly gripped with anxiety
am i really ok with quitting my job?

"to hear the days pile up with decisions to be made;
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget ..
some decisions you don't make i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know" -Feb 15th Bright Eyes

Everybody's trying to be the best, what about the girl with lonliness

touch, lying on the floor
wishing this could last
but knowing that it can't
and soon you will leave
and i will be on the floor,watching the tv, trying hard to find a reason to move
i'm frozen in one place, staring at the screen
listening to the rain falling on the street
some days go on too longand no one can hang out tonigh
there, where the carpet is cool and soft,underneath the clock i feel my weary heart is put to rest
you gather around your friends
the connection that you feel when the night has not yet died
you are new with a promise of a love
you will probably never find
and touch that you can really feel
the brokenness inside as hope and less collide
now nothing is real(you are new and near now to someone you used to love
when you were young; when all was gold and you two touched
and felt the flutter underneath your skin. you stood in glowing rooms,the light dripping from both of you.and nothing since has felt as radiant or real.
and there is nothing more i want than just one night
that's free of doubt and sadness
one night that i can really feel.

A reflection of something we're missing

You turn on a spindle. You're so much looser now but you're not explaining how you gained such new repose. I touch the clasp of your locket, with its picture held, some secret you wouldn't tell but let it choke your neck. So we imagine a darkness where all shapes divide, solids changing into light, with a burst of heat so bright. Well fine, don't you do what I want you to.Yeah, don't degrade yourself the way that I do cause you don't depend upon all the shit that I use to make my moods improve. Near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords that crashed against the shore in one huge and useless roar. And there were girls bringing water, like a dream they came to cure the fever of my brain, and soothe my burning throat. And they made me a necklace, hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets, and placed it round my neck and they were singing, don't you do what you've wanted to. Yeah, don't destroy yourself like those cowards do Maybe the sun keeps coming up cause it's gotten used to you and your constant need for proof.

aigoo what a paradox

is this life

i trust and yet i cannot trust

i see the vast potential for both good and such wrong in each soul

the beauty and the mess

such black darkness and such extreme hope

the capacity to do such harm and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit

how someone could have such a great heart and yet hurt me so much

how things are not what they seem, but deeper, more complex, more shades of gray

how i trust the wrong things and for the wrong reasons

how our motives are so utterly mixed

and how good intentions can often end in such failure, such detriment

how easily the immovable will can be moved in the wrong direction

how our instincts are towards self-destruction in a spiritual sense, even as they are towards self-preservation and gratification of the temporal and physical

how both obvious and counter-intuitive is our faith

how the flesh betrays the spirit unto death

how we can find ourselves so quickly thinking/saying/doing things we never fathomed we could in a million years

how incomprehensible is the scope of this life, it's breadth, it's consequences, it's power and meaning... it's trancendence.... we don't even know the half of it, and yet we think we're so on it..

winds of change keep on blowing through my hair

it's been highs and lows, nothing static, constant threat
constant suspense, stringing along, WAITING
always coming down to the wire.

a process of being broken
of surrendering
of hanging on Him

clinging
crying
faith: refusal to panic

surreality
trust
joyful in hope and patient in affliction
unrest
help me find rest for my troubled soul

i know i'm supposed to go to Sudan
that's about all i do know

if the wind's of change blow me away from this job
i can't say i'll be unhappy

i'm afraid of the newness and the uncertainty
vast uncertainty in these economic times
i don't want to leave behind everything i know
and have grown to love here

but i trust God
he's doing drastic things with me
i guess i needed it

i guess i was complacent

"i have locked my actions in the grooves of routine, so i may never be free of this apathy"

i never was apathetic about life. perhaps about God, though.
became hedonistic for all the pleasures life has to offer, most of them harmless.
but never have been allowed life to get too static.
smooth sailing goes before the fall i guess.

falling slowly

all that i know moving away from me
piled up in bags and it burns irrevocably
silence crept over me

my will has deceived me

hold my hand
surround my heart
fill and transform me

I come into this place
Burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain
You're my God and my Father
I've accepted your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?
Lord, come with your fire,
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me
My heart can't see
When I only look at me
My soul can't hear
When I only think of my own fears
They are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You
How can I speak Your name?
Lord, come with Your fire, burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
It's all I can doTo give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray
Lord, come with Your fire, burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
Refine me, refine meRefine me, refine me

_J Knapp

Psalm 130

A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

and night shift makes me emotional

sleep deprived
chemically imbalanced

somehoww

God's gonna make everything alright
redeem what is forsaken
seek what is lost
recover what is destroyed
restore what has crumbled
beautify what is defiled
somehow, (SOMEDAY) He will
it may take a lot of patient expecting until then
but somehow
someday
i trust Him

bright eyes looping through my brain

Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
The sunrise and the sunsets.
You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
The sunrise and the sunsets
You realize then you forget what you've been trying to retain.
But everybody knows that it is all about the things
that get stuck inside of your head,
like the songs your roommate sings
or a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
She raised her hands in the air, asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
Cause you've changed.
Yeah, you've changed.
Sunrises, sunsets.
You're hopeful then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there's a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You're manic or you're depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
For a sunrise or a sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she'd stay?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You're either coming or you just left but you're always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It's a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There is no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won't know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it's true, the trick is complete.
Become everything you said you never would be.
You're a fool! You're a fool!
Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise and the sunsets.
Sunrise, sunset, sunrises, sunsets.
Sunrise and the sunsets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
and put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.