May 07 in Nashville:)

been a long time

Until yesterday haven't posted here in some time. Will passed last May. Ruth still in KC and we go to Hawaii next month. Surreal and terrible. I still burst into tears about once a week on average when I think about him. I lost a friend. Ruth's husband, and it bites. I wonder what he's doing and if he can see us. I know he's with God. But I can't help wishing he was still here. I miss him. Ruth misses him beyond my imagining. I don't really understand it all. The funeral was brutally tragically sad and difficult. Sisters and nephews, brothers, and parents talking about him, his impact, their respect and admiration and love. Ruthy's tears. Deeeeepest sorrow. Lowering him into the ground with flowers, breeze, black heels sinking into the soft earth. Getting to know his family. Sisters crying every time i saw them. Traveling with mom and Emily Ann Ramer. Lynn calling me when i was in Kroger that sad day to tell me he was in a coma then AC calling mom at home with me to say he was gone. 3pm on a friday. Like Jesus. Weeeeeeping. Driving to RP after the craziest thunderstorm to tell Gma in person. "The Holy Spirit will come to Ruth. he comes to you in these times, he really does." She should know. We took her to the pool that night and swam, me, Mom, Gma, also hot tub with 90 yr old:) Deserted, quiet, late Friday night at Richland place, swimming and healing in the post storm stillness of a wet and wind blown night. Lifting up that day and that loved brother/husband/son/friend to God. Gone. Such an empty, hollow, lifted feeling. Surreal, all of it, from diagnosis on. I can't wait to see him again one day.

my vehicle is in your drive

soooooo sleepyyy

dreamed yesterday

that i was in school. not knowing where my chemistry class was in what looked like cpa high school. also odd things of ruth and AC and mom and sisters and acrobatics and meat on skewers and arts and crafts and AC not pleased. alligators or some kind of reptile. of Ruth C and other collegey things. of troubled-ness and perry being mad at sisters. except not me he made clear once i expressed sorriness.

if i become antique, will you collect me; if i become cheap then will you respect me

seen the end of the day come too late

filth rich to the beggars ditch go- da-- these genes
they want you in the wilderness

Measuring a jinx of this life seems like the gristle of loneliness

longing

for things that i didn't grab onto but let slide by. things now i feel sad and regret at not jumping at when had the chance. yet mixed b/c wonder if these things were bad for me in fact. BK sold out and l no longer around. Not sure either were a good idea, but each was something I was really excited about.