hymn by martin luther

From depths of woe I raise to Thee
The voice of lamentation;
Lord, turn a gracious ear to me
And hear my supplication;
If Thou iniquities dost mark,
Our secret sins and misdeeds dark,
O who shall stand before Thee?

To wash away the crimson stain,
Grace, grace alone availeth;
Our works, alas! are all in vain;
In much the best life faileth:
No man can glory in Thy sight,
All must alike confess Thy might,
And live alone by mercy.

Therefore my trust is in the Lord,
And not in mine own merit;
On Him my soul shall rest, His Word
Upholds my fainting spirit:
His promised mercy is my fort,
My comfort, and my sweet support;
I wait for it with patience.

What though I wait the livelong night,
And till the dawn appeareth,
My heart still trusteth in His might;
It doubteth not nor feareth:
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed,
Ye of the Spirit born indeed;
And wait till God appeareth.

Though great our sins and sore our woes,
His grace much more aboundeth;
His helping love no limit knows,
Our utmost need it soundeth.
Our Shepherd good and true is He,
Who will at last His Israel free.
From all their sin and sorrow.

aigoo!

ah need to sleep but can't stop watching Boys Before Flowers

i know debris it covers everything but still i am in love with this life

Near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords
that crashed against the shore in one huge and useless roar.

"not to be morbid or anything"

she said, "but if something were to happen to you.. you've already lived 9 lives." that no one could be sad. that i've already done more in my short life than most people accomplish in a lifetime. that i inspire people. that my whole life has been already a success if nothing else were to occur. that no one could feel sad or regretful for my life well lived. i told her "you are officially speaking at my funeral"

nothing is static

i get nervous
because everything's changing;
has changed and is still changing

desire
control
unknowns

taste in entertainment

vascillates between Dostoyevsky and Korean Drama

started the shift with *angry* tears

midway a traumatic occurence, and went out rejoicing over an occurence that's usually so ordinary.

interminable night shifts

feverishly unrestful, anxiety-driven, woke up drenched with sweat and feeling more and more deppressed

waltzing with the open sea

That means no
Where i come from
I am cold, out waiting for the day to come

I chew my lips
And i scratch my nose
Feels so good to be a rose

Oh don't
Don't you lift me up
Like i'm that shy no-no-no-no-no, just give it up

See, there are bats all dissolving in a row
Into the wishy-washy dark that can't let go

I cannot let go
So i thank the lord
And i thank his sword
Though it be mincing up the morning, slightly bored

Oh oh oh, morning
Without warning
Like a hole
Oh, and i watch you go

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly
And some great bellies ache with many bumblebees
And they sting so terribly

I do as i please
Now i'm on my knees
Your skin is something that i stir into my tea
And i am watching you
And you are starry, starry, starry

(and you will never
Ever know how
Very sorry you will be
... I am)

And i'm tumbling down
And i check a frown
Well just look around
That's why i love this town
To see me;
Serenaded hourly
Celebrated sourly
Dedicated dourly

Waltzing with the open sea
Clam, crab, cockle, cowrie
Will you just look at me!

J. Newsom

quiet faithfulness

good talk with mom tonight about how crazy the past 6 weeks have been. how stressed i've been. how much trouble i've had trusting God and his timing. how hard it is to deal with the brokenness of this world, but even more, my own severe falleness. bad enough the fallen creation, how much worse my own guilt and failure. my sense of entitlement in manic-depressive succession with overwhelming sorrow and realization that i deserve nothing good that he gives. that i am UTTERLY unworthy of every single blessing. every damn thing. i've been so overwhelmed lately.
God forgive me.
I've been taken in, swallowed whole, by worldly desires.

"Teach me your ways that I may walk in your truth
Give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name"
Psalm 86:11

it's messy and mysterious, but
God is at work ALWAYS

exhausted but can't sleep

the last thing i needed on top of the tumult was to start night shift. i've not slept in 24hr and yet i can't sleep. my mind never rests. want hibernation.

the transferal of ill-will

self-disgust becomes resentment towards others. i find myself walking a fine line these days. not so patient or accomodating. not so gentle or understanding. not so kind or gracious.