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reservoir

I want to make room for people (Christian and non-Christian alike)

make space for them

give people room to breathe, to be...

so they can rest and know love and know grace

not feel judged or dehumanized

i want to be a safe place, a humble place, an honest place.

I greatly value anything that makes me laugh

The more it makes me laugh, the more I adore this thing/person.
I realize that to this day, the members of my immediate family generally hold the most laugh-sway in my life, but gradually others are creeping in/up that chart. Laughing until my stomach hurts is something I've done SO much of since Missy moved out here, and something I do every time I talk to Char. It takes a level of knowing and understanding to hit each other's funny bones so acutely. I treasure having that with the Beall 6, but I hope to share that more and more with my awesome friends.

from Kim Sam-Soon. applicable to spouse-searching...?

"It turns out you can't measure the clarity of a person's heart; all you can do is make a rough estimate."


who said K-drama was shallow? :)

my 20's

have been more eventful and tumultuous (thus far) than all my teenage years combined! much has been circumstantial, real life has happened. my naivety has been challenged, my innocence left behind with childish ways. God has remained with me through it all, whether I have been aware of it or not.

boundaries

i'd much rather bare my soul in all honesty
than prudently withhold information

it occurs to me that possibly this blog ought to be private
should i really be spilling my darkest thoughts to the world?
it's so hard for me to hold back
when i value honesty so acutely

but there is a line, should be a filter
there needs to be delineation
why does that feel false to me?

"mom is such a poet" -mel

"let time be your friend.

just let the distance be distance"

my dreams they have a holiday

there is certainly a part of me that is pragmatic
seeks answers
wants an explanation from God for allowing atrocities

but if i'm honest with myself
part of me thrives on mystery
on things which are too deep for me
to fully grasp
but which i delight in trying to ascertain

like poetry or music or art
i like the obscure
the unclear
that which has many interpretations
many possibilities of intended meaning

i like that the artist doesn't have to explain
that the poet conjures up many images
and ideas, not one obvious statement
and the meaning is open to ponder

and so perhaps it's ok if i don't have answers
if my whole life i must wrestle with these questions
must struggle with God
believe Him
yet cry out for Him to help me in my unbelief

no i'll never stop searching
but i can also exult in His beauty
His unfathomable depths
and certain wisdom

"Sometimes when I think of life, I feel like a piece of driftwood washed up on shore"

from a NYsun article about him:

For Mr. Murakami, running is not only connected to writing in its dark-art aura, it is essential to his literary productivity. It gives him routine, instills discipline, and regulates his life. Ascribing to the Graham Greene, 350-words-a-day-no-matter-what system of writing rather than the fabled Jack Kerouac, wrote-it-on-a-roll-of-toilet-paper-while-drunk methodology, Mr. Murakami commits himself to extreme physical activity in order to pursue pure intellectual activity...

Mr. Murakami's work has always combined the ordinary and the extraordinary, and this memoir is no exception. In his fiction, an elevator ride that starts on the ground floor brings its passenger into a different dimension; a man makes a bowl of spaghetti and his life irrevocably changes. In "What I Talk About," banal description — tying his shoes, picking the songs for his Walkman, feeling a twinge in his knee — sidles up against philosophical inquiry into obsession....while running seems to fall on the bright, healthy side of life, there are deeper and darker drives behind it.

He constantly inspires me to write. And he's a big fan of Dostoyevsky so...

Resilient Joy is what I want

What Fred talks about in that we're all under grace in our identity and all in process as broken sinners truly gives hope to my life. I actually feel hope knowing that we're all a big, broken mess. This isn't a message I recall ever hearing in all my years of Christianity, all my years in the church.

In my lifetime I have gravely sinned and screwed up. I've fallen off the path and neglected the gift that is within me. I feel acutely aware of my sin and horrible-ness. if we live with the expectation that Christians are saints in the sense of moral perfection, instead of the called out ones who daily form the intent to obey and follow, then there is no room for someone like me. thankfully, in Christ none are better or worse, but all are broken. i finally can identify deeply with this. I feel like no Christian can possibly be worse than me, so it gives me SUCH relief to hear this.. cause i have such great self-condemnation.

from the City Church sermon today:

Believers share a common identity in God's grace. Is the foundation of our relations, therefore NO ONE is more righteous than another! We are all a mess, beggars who found bread. Saint doesn't mean moral perfection. The word means "called out ones". Proximity and affinity don't last. People move, people change. Rooted in grace.

We share a common mission, the work of God. Sharing in something so much bigger than ourselves.

The one who began a good work will bring it to completion (see Philippians 1:6). We are ALL in process, and God (not me) is finishing. We can be patient and free to love them. "the captives" by Michelangelo. In a spouse, are you looking for a statue when what you need is a piece of marble?? Be patient with one another because people are in process and God finishes them. We can simply LOVE them. We are free to love them where they are. Counter intuitively and counter culturally just BE with people because GOD will finish them. Those who share our pain rather than give advice touch us more deeply.

We share a common dream, and Jesus prays for our wholeness. Pray for one another like Jesus does. Write a letter to tell people you are praying for them.

Been thinking about the definition of grace. The passage that comes to mind as I dig through the numerous theological and otherwise depictions of grace is Matthew 5:43-45:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

Or the stories of the servants given talents, or the prodigal son.. It's this radical concept of God giving me the opposite of what I deserve, which is admonishment at best and sudden death likely more accurately. But instead He bestows love, unconditional acceptance, delight, and pleasure. Unmerited goodness, faithfulness, affection, and concern. That's what it means to be under grace. Ridiculousness on God's part. So who cares who's sins are big, small, medium, or anything in between. ALL have sinned and fallen short of His glory (Romans 3:23). And if you read the Beatitudes (Matthew 5), you see that hatred in your mind for another consists of murder in God's perfect eyes, and suddenly you get how no one is exempt from this deserved condemnation.

So there's no point in comparing logs to specks. There is only my sin and my rebellion. My denial. And my joy that he would look on Christ with wrath and pardon me instead. Jesus, who resisted temptation to the point of sweating drops of blood. Jesus who never set down his cross in despair, shame, weariness, or desire, but he ran on, fought on, pressed on, and fulfilled his duty to the Father. It wasn't easy for him. He was human like us, suffering the same agony associated with being human and trying to live the way God commands, living in a world where sin and death predominate...