I hope the world's exposed; a cruel and elaborate hoax that convinces me to walk without a cane

"so what can you do? child, what can you do? sleep neat the stars and toil in the sun."


" Why has thou forsaken me? I know. Does that make it easier to understand? Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to beleive such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not "so there is no god after all' but 'so this is what God is really like. Deceive yourself no longer'."
---C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Talked to Dad about much of what we discussed in CG tonight on Monday on our way to the airport. Even if I wanted to un-believe in God, I cannot. Like Hunter said "not that I believe in it (Providence), but I do." That's not the problem. The problem is how Dre and Will (the events, not the individuals) have tainted (how it seems) my view of God. Of His goodness, of what His promises mean, of His character, of His protection, of His nearness or silence. How He can handle our questions. Profanity as the lowest form of prayer. We need the body to be honest with, to be reminded of God's past delivery by, to lift up one another in our wilderness struggles. I cried a few times today, talking about Dre and the infinite sadness of loss and lacking understanding of the event. The meaninglessness of it all in light of this. The endless tragedy that seems to surround us at times. The mixed bag of joy and pain that is this life. The struggle of Dad with anger at God, and the need to be honest with Him and Christians about these feelings, even though we know He is I AM and we have nothing to say, no paradigm of truth to stand on outside of this. How we self-construct a god that fits OUR life experiences/desires/perceived needs. That He has a plan, He is big, He is good. I am puny and foolish; Heartbroken; I don't understand. Feeling sad and tired. Grateful and surrounded, but weary of the continuous wrestling with God over these questions, my inadequacies, doubts, DEEP SORROWs, pitiful ignorance, poor and morphing worldview.

i have two homes

and many crushes

til what i want and what i need can finally be the same

i know i'm just the weather against your window as you sleep through a winters' dream

some lyrics linger.


dreamt last night hot, sweaty, restlessly. of cool things (in temp, tone, color). of family, of CGers, of football games, chinese restaurants, friend's family's house, small tv room with karaoke, predawn fancy theater show plans, family obligations vs friend expectations, time travel within one dwelling. seeing my friend(s) as a child in the location that later became another habitation. realizing that crossing that doorway i had stepped over an arc of time. awoke fevered and abrupt. feeling slightly troubled, slightly disappointed, but not devastated, dismayed, or happy.

i love dreaming.