I've never read anything more real. Every word rings true.

I thought I'd write about my dream before I forgot it. It was like real life, present day. I was still in Nashville and Marcelle was there too. Dre showed up at the house, just like normal. And we were all shocked and excited. He said he was just in for a visit. In my dream he was dead, he had killed himself, but he could come back and visit from time to time. He was wearing his Duke basketball t-shirt. He hugged me, squeezed me like he always does and makes that little squeezing you noise. I had my arms around his waist and he hugged me around my shoulders and back. It felt so good, and in my dream I thought about how much I'd been missing that feeling. I kept trying to read him, to see if he seemed sad, to see if he would give me any clues. He didn't. He seemed happy yet mysterious, as always. I feel like I might have asked him what had been wrong or tried to get something out of him; he may have avoided the question or changed the subject. I don't remember. I remember wondering why he chose today to visit, if it was because I'm having such a hard time or what, why only now, and when he'd come back. I remember being comforted by the thought of still getting to see him on occasion, but then I started worrying if he's stop visiting as I grew up. I remember wondering if when I was old with kids he would still come for a visit. I was afraid he wouldn't, that he would think I had forgotten him by then. But I would want him to. Then I remember having to chase after him, look for him down the street by the fork in bellevue rd. It was like he disappeared, and we desperately asked neighbors. They had seen him, but he was gone. I woke up feeling a mixture of things. In my head I had just been with Dre, just been smiling and hugging him. So it felt good. I felt close to him again. But realizing it wasn't real, that he can't and won't come visit, it made me sad. The feeling of having been with him just last night was with me all day; I couldn't barely think straight. I just wish it was real. I miss him. I just miss him. I remember everything about him so well now, but I'm afraid of forgetting, of losing the feeling of his hug or the sound of his giggle. I love him so much. I hate this life without my friend. I can't believe I'm supposed to do normal people stuff; I'm so incompetent right now. I can have some small task to accomplish and spend hours just staring and somehow not completing a thing. I don't care about my job. It just annoys me. I don't like really anything about it right now, not even just the teaching. It's a struggle to get any sentence out, and if I do I'm just talking. Not to mention the management; I feel powerless because I don't really care. I'm not invested in making sure these kids learn. I hate counseling them. I hate even being around them most of the time. I'm absolutely miserable. And mostly useless. I hate this life without my friend because I feel his absence all that time. I can feel that he's missing. I feel sooo far from him most of the time and can't believe that that feeling is only going to get stronger as more time passess since I was last with him. I just wish I could sleep and nothing else. I just wanna be asleep forever.

-Char