so was C in God's hands?

i said yes, he still is! God's whole action on earth is to take what is broken and f*cked and make it whole and true again. He still IS in God's hands because He never has given up on C. Reiterated that life to me is so wacko, so obscene, so unknown, so unpredictable, so inane, so chaotic, so bizarre, so confusing, so unknowable, so unforeseen, so utterly out of my control in any way, that i can't fear the unknown, the future, the horrible things that happen to "good" people every day. Somehow I have to believe that WHATEVER he has for me, it is right. That whatever shit goes down, that he is GOOD, that he has right things in store for me, that I can therefore trust him regardless. Knowing that anything i place hope in besides him will only disappoint, I plunge into the abyss of the future ("into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love we must plunge we must plunge we must plunge"), with no guarantees, no safety net, no assurance of any temporal eternity. All my eggs are in one basket (go from thinking he's cruel, "get away from me", to sobbing "don't leave me don't leave me"...); he's all I have (and all I need), and I can't fathom what this life has in store. I can ONLY trust Him. Continually turn into him, seek him, strive to walk with him, and BELIEVE (in my soul.. "i have no faith but it's all i want to be loved and believe in my soul, in my soooouuul") that He is good, He is faithful, He means well for me, He is GOOD. Learning in college when I lost control of my well-groomed, well-managed life; before I could make A's, I could exercise everyday and lose weight, I could become the person I wanted to be; life was controllable. Then somewhere in nursing school I lost all that. Careening out of control, I found that life (and it's circumstances' results) had little to do with my actions and plans, and this has cemented with the loss of Will and Dre. Life is WAY beyond my control, so I don't really even try. I can but rest and trust Him who controls the changing ocean's tide. He alone stays the same.

surrendering my lusts, my crushes, my longings to Him who upholds me by His righteous right hand.

Patty Griffin, Useless Desires

>Say goodbye to the old street that never cared much for you anyway
And the different colored doorways you thought would let you in one day
Goodbye to the old bus stop frozen and waiting
The weekend addition has this town over-rated
You walk across the baseball green
The grass has turned to straw
A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
I can't make you stay
I can't spend another ten years wishing you would anyway

How the sky turns to fire
Against the telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Everyday I take a bitter pill
It gets me on my way
For the little aches and pains
The ones I have from day to day
To help me think a little less about the things I miss
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this
Walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
And somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I wanna be

How the sky turns to fire
Against the telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Say goodbye to the old building that never tried to know your name
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You won't be seeing me again
Goodbye to all the window panes shining in the sun
Like diamonds on a winter day
Goodbye, goodbye to everyone

How the sky turns to fire
Against the telephone wire
It burns the last of the day down
And I'm the last one hanging around waiting
On a train track and the train never comes back
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires