if you wanna see the future, go stare into a cloud.

talking with JH about God's timing.
how His timing is spot on.
and i said, "honestly, i don't like His timing".
"it's too slow", she sad.
i agreed.
said it's SO HARD to wait on His timing.
i know it's wrong/sinful of me, but i wanna be like "forget it! I give up."
still waiting to hear if coworker with my vaca time is moving.
what does my future hold??

satan's been prowling like a roaring lion

a lot of shit happens in this life that can make you bitter
we suffer a lot of hurt: self/God/universe/others-inflicted
I'm trying desperately not to become jaded
like dad says 'welcome to adulthood' but does that include gross self-disappointment and hideous moral failure? living with sh*t that I didn't cause is hard enough, but living with crap that I'm at least a large part responsible for is a whole new level of sorrow.

and if it seems like an accident, a collage of senselessness...
till what i want and what i need can finally be the same
I've just got myself to blame
left everything up to fate
when there's choices i could make...
and now my heart needs a polygraph

you've gotta fight till your dying day

fight fight fight fight all the way
persistent in hope
rugged, ruthless optimism
just get back up


re·sil·ience
Pronunciation:
\ri-ˈzil-yən(t)s\
Function:
noun
Date:
1824
1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

cause everybody knows the fabric of folly is falling apart at the seams

knee wound
1 week later i fell again, freshly re-opening the wound, and now there are lasting scars..

staring blankly into space

this idea of balance and complimenting one another

how alike is too alike? thing is, i'm drawn to people that are like me. to whom i relate in a deep way. i'm kinda a mess, kinda free-form, and while i like people in my life that are organized, good planners, i also tend to find it a little irritating. too uptight is a major turn-off. so people that go with the flow, like me, are therefore more attractive to me. not sure entirely the type of guy i'm looking for...

i've been stupid, naive, foolish, and overly trusting.
i am a strong woman. it's time to act like it.

make the hard desicions i know i need to and am capable of. be hard line. say no. hurt feelings. protect what is sacred. protect yourself. give generously but set boundaries.

on pins and needles

overwhelmed


BRIGHT EYES

When panic grips your body and your heart is a hummingbird
Raven thoughts blacken your mind until you're breathing in reverse
All your friends and sedatives mean well but make it worse
Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
Better find yourself a place to level out

Got a cricket for a conscience always looks the other way
A cocaine soul starts seeming like an empty cabaret
Hey, where have all the dancers gone? Now the music doesn't play
Tried to listen to the river but you couldn't shut your mouth
Better take a little time to level out

I never thought of running
My feet just led the way


All this automatic writing I have tried to understand
From a psychedelic angel who was tugging on my hand
It's an infinite coincidence but it doesn't form a plan
So I'm headed for New England or the Paris of the South
Gonna find myself somewhere to level out

Are your brothels full, Oh Babylon, with merry Middlemen?
Never peer out of their periscopes from those deep opium dens
All this death must need a counterweight always someone born again
First a mother bathes her child then the other way around
The Scales always find a way to level out

I tried to pass for nothing
But my dreams gave me away

Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
People snuffed out in the brutal rain
I could live to any age
If the Brakeman turns my way

It is an old world it's hard to remember
Like a dime store mystery
I'm a repeat first time offender
Who has rewritten history

Mixed up tea leaves
Phantom Pain
Fuzzy logic in the crazy rain

He'll be smiling as he seals my fate
When the Brakeman turns my way

not something i'd recommend but it is one way to live

it's hard to get enough rest with these frenetic thoughts. my mind is 1000 beats per minute. hard to be about others, which is so what i want to be, and what gives my life meaning. i'm wrapped up in my own confusion, my own questioning, my own fears. find it hard to trust God. not sure why. things that used to be no-brainers are now the most difficult things to live/believe. transition.