i am certain of this and i'm not certain of anything

i just wanna stand on a table and hug jesus -melix

jesus praying in the garden.  wanting the oneness for us too

peter denying, wigging out, how when you're in the midst of sin (that 1 hr) you can't even process, are in denial until afterwards like, wtf, i would never do that!!!!

but that jesus knew already he was going to do it and already loved him anyway.  but then peter went out and wept bitterly--  i may need to do some of that.  then sought forgiveness.  the acceptance he sought was already there.  wow.  he views me with compassion and love, not condemnation and judgement (as i deserve!).  

aw snap!

busy day doing errands and tri prepping. joy and working on being grateful. chatting mom/sisters, running in the park, observing if guys notice, CG. went to thai with rob, leon, jack . how i love hanging with the guys late at night. silly suggestive joking, being out in public as one white girl with three chinese dudes, heads turn, lol. discussed rob's tough decision about business school:(

and I've got nothing to say...

thoughts of decisions made, choices unconsciously taken.  the vacuous space left by constant work ending for the week...  realizing how i fill a neediness with attention and worldly loves rather than seeking God's fulfillment and purpose.  life spins faster than i can process and for some reason i refuse continually to slow down enough to do this.  i grab and grasp at fleeting things: worldly affection, physical beauty, human-love.   all is empty.  all is life-infused, but ultimately empty.  only He, only He is life and fullness.  sometimes i know not what is up/down here/there right/wrong in my life.  my decisions to live freely and not under guilt/compulsion sometimes give way to outright sin that i didn't realize how close i had slipped to that flame without being aware.  the state of my heart, quickly reflected in a few stupid steps.  i have so much to learn.

long day, tri-bound

so much going on, so needed to regroup. instead snuck away, walked, beach stargazing and shivering, green eye comparison, music sharing, 3 hrs of doing nothing. life is crazy. i've really changed since college in many ways. same in many too, but i dunno.

now you can't go back, can't go back, when you were young you wanted it bad now you can't go back can't go back, it's in your blood it's in your bones now you're far from home, so show them everything, when they get you alone, show them everything that you are

let it pass on the side of the road

ah another brief day off, well-utilized.   another crazy day at work yesterday with 51-1's 3 female family members hauled out in handcuffs for stealing from the hospital..  we were all shocked of course.  marilyn's morning story about the old days and something being not quite right... spurting blood from the top of his head, coating everything, the pca running from the room screaming, lol.....  had b-day dinner at yen's for anna, christine, and me as well.  Yen "he's not gonna have his cake and eat it too!".    today was biking up and saratoga hanging with Dlo. chatting and ready for bed early.  6-7 mi uphill (biked up 1 hr) then 15 min to backtrack downhill.  exhilarating completely.  only hit the dirt once and gratefully it was dirt/shrubbery instead of concrete:)  laughing and being dorky with dlo.  scarfed in cupertino and chilled with fat cat at her dad's on the carpet watching cooking shows on tv.  good day, neeeeed sleeeep