KWELLEEEEERRRRRRRRR

he sure is changin horses

and i was bout to bawl till i heard this:

I'm like my grandma
Short but I stand tall
Playing every single card that's dealt to me
Well you know some days are aces
And some days are faces
Well some days are 2's and 3's

[CHORUS:]
You gotta fight fight fight fight all the way
You gotta fight fight fight all the way
You gotta set your sight on the Lord in your life
You gotta fight till your dying day

Im so quiet today
I dont feel like me
Someone took your smile away
Now it's gone and I cant see
No one looks (loves?) til it's gone
Im the one who likes change
But I feel taken by surprise
Let me rewind the things I said
That made it rain inside your eyes
I keep missing you
My heart knows it's through
Don't wake up Im here
To keep you from the storm
Ill suck (soak?) up your fear
To keep your body warm
I keep missing you
My heart knows its through
Dont wake up Im here
To keep you from the storm
I'll suck (soak?) up your fear
To keep your body warm
I keep missing you
My heart knows it's through
Nothing left to hold on to
My heart knows it's through

and i've found my place again (with them)...

and how i loathe going back to the stress of my life right now. like a fish in water i am with them, and how naturally i find my place, my belonging, my purpose. SUCH unmitigated joy, despite disagreements and PAIN. Charlene is working hard but she is still hurting SO DAMN MUCH over Dre. Dad and I stayed up till 5:20 one morning talking about God, life, the problem of evil/suffering. "you are asking the right questions, mar!"... abbreviated visiting with gma, fran, jamie, lauren, steph. after 5 months, 4 days is NOT EVEN long enough. even Perry crying, on the floor when Charlene sobbed that she wouldn't bury her little brother as well. he keeps hoping in the Lord though Char is outraged that "God made [him] sick". longing for this family-ness. for a family of my own, difficulty aside. fear of returning to my life. all the confusion and fighting myself. the world and its desires. help me stand firm Lord! being home helped me confront the wisdom of my upbringing and center me in who i am. reminded me of what i stand for and need. accountability like family is only imitated in close friendships. these people formed me. that's the level at which they know me. relationship with them, this family, made me who i am and when i sin and falter, i let them down irreparably, whether they/i know it. STAND FIRM. I cannot even believe all the fun we've had. I can't bear for this short trip to end. I am overwhelmed by all that awaits my return. i feel weightless when i need to be rooted firmly to the ground. i feel faint when i need to be immovable. i feel sad when i need to be buoyed up in hope. God come to me. I am weak and need your strength desperately. guide me in YOUR ways. please.