trail of white blood betrays the reckless route your craft is running

the untied shoelaces of your life

can i count on you

I think I've seen the look before, yes, it's kind of non-commital. It says come hither, baby, but then he's hard wood to whittle. it says it don't mean a thing, but still, somebody does. He'd like you to join the club that likes to say there's no such thing as love and it's a mad mission under difficult conditions not everybody makes it to the loving cup. It's a mad mission but I got the ambition mad, mad mission sign me up. Sometimes you find yourself flying low at night flying blind and looking for any sign of light You're cold and scared, and all alone You'd do anything just to make it home.

and I hope you do

what's mine is yours take the last piece of bread. you can borrow my clothes and take a nap in my bed. oh you know we searched this place for something to love and I see your face.
-Ferraby Lionheart

God being ridiculously gracious, and unfathomable.

Yesterday (and today, actually I mean the 30th and 31st) I marveled at how terribly difficult it is coming back to reality (and work!) from my lacksidasical fun-fest of family in Nashville. Today I moped all the way to work after not sleeping a wink. I whined about missing the party that Jenny and JH were throwing at our apt. So I muddled through an evening of work, finding it not too terrible, though busy of course, only to be sent home at mn to join the party! Being with my beloveds in SF helped me miles in readjusting (as did being with coworkers) to the life here. I just marvel at God's graciousness, giving me a break I nowhere near deserve, I cannot even justify. I am like a pathetic child, moping and whining, pitying and pining, being lame out of my mind, and God gives me a break. A moment of acceptance and joy and belonging. A dang freebie.

So there's this God I experience who blesses me for no reason, like a spoiled child, crying until I get blessings, so unworthy. He treats me like a doting Father who wants pleasure and happiness for me.

Juxtapose these experiences of His concern for the petty trites that matter to my feeble heart with the seeming wall of silence in the face of extreme suffering. Will. Dre. ALL the tradgedy, cancer, disaster in the world. What's going on? What to conclude??

I feel the same unsatisfactory answer coming on: both are true. He is both, encompasses both, is Sovereign and good over both. He cares deeply about all of the above. It seems so contradictory but OH how high are his ways and thoughts, far far above my comprehension.

I tire of these questions. I rejoice in Him. On all accounts, in all regards, I am humbled. Unworthy, lowly, feeble in mind and character. Have mercy on me Omnipotent One, I do not deserve your backwards glance much less your favor. Help me to understand, to trust, to rest. Help me to surrender, to follow, to concede.

"And even I'm getting tired of useless desires."

why such troubled dreams at home?

dream of cold cerreal, long train ride, homeless outdoor people, sausages, panicked phone call in the morning. mom answering right away and whispering she can't talk righ now. hospitals.. another about a house a girl a murderer. she though the was gone and it was over. i knew he wouldn't give up. leaning on the door to keep him out of the room. no police help for some reason.