the tea is on, the flame is blue..the tv's waiting to talk to you..
but you're a bag of warm fluid, you're the corpse in the class, you walk so near to the lockers, you lay so low in the grass
but i saw you walking once under powder blue skies, you looked cold still, your collar was high
and i tried to talk to you but you walked right by...
he says we all follow the rules we can't very well go and break them now can we... for you...
we're all trying to be pure, but it isn't a very easy thing now is it? to do....
ugh, i feel so sad and aimless, having missed church on Easter Sunday. of all days of the year. and there were services ALL week and I didn't go to a single one. there's really no one to blame, though i want to fault Erik or Char. I can't though. These things happen unfortunately, we all make mistakes, I guess we all did this time around as well. I cried when I woke up and saw that I had missed church altogether. CKC and LB were expecting me there and then I bailed on the afternoon plans on J&J. I dunno. I've been out of touch for the past 2 weeks with sis in town, and it's been GREAT. Today we chilled and picnicked and watched the office and it was wonderful. But the disconnect from my friends and the flaking out really makes me feel like crap. Char's been my excuse, not my true reason. I just feel shitty and realize that it's not just missing church or disappointing others. It's the lack of interest in God I've demonstrated anyway, that has only been emphasized, annunciated by the shake up of my time with sis. I feel such guilt and i guess i needed to miss church to feel that. Cause if I had gone I would've felt like I had atoned for my sins and perhaps never done this self-introspection. I listened to cunado until 715am while C slept. No wonder I slept through all of my alarms. And we left the parties EARLY last night in order to make it to his game and to church! and we said no more drinks but he bought them anyway. he's so cute and embarrassed today that I can't stay mad, but i feel DEEP disappointment anyways. I feel ICKY. I've been goofing with char and discussing nothing but guys and though I've LOVED playing and being with her, it all feels very hollow/empty/shallow/unfulfilling. So God, please forgive and transform me. Mold and lead me. I am such a wayward daughter and realize ONLY you can meet my longings.
Alleluia He has found me, the one my soul so long has craved
Jesus satisfies all my longings through His blood I now am saved
You have laid Your hands upon me let your love surround me, You are Emmanuel
I was hiding in the darkest night and then you found me, You are Emmanuel
