dear God

help me to like myself
love You
care about others.

i'm sorry

mostly i'm just glad that i'm not leaving this beautiful city

the sky that's sooo blue when it's dark out. you look at the cars and the sidewalk, the streets and the streetlights and all is brown. it looks dark. and then you look up to the bluest sky the night's ever seen and wonder.

sometimes i am excited and anxious to move to my new place; not have the journey home or waiting for the train, but to walk home:) other times i cling to this place. our garage and the beach and the great highway to ride my bike along as i watch the waves crash, the sunset, the surfers stroll, and the sprinklers dash. but mostly, i just love this city. and am so glad i am not leaving, but have at least another year ahead of me to enjoy. thankful for mindy to pave the way, page to follow behind. and i feel myself one in a chain of wonderful christian nurses who have compassion and love this city. and i feel so blessed, so fortunate to be here in this place and time. and know that God put mindy in my life to lead me to city church. and put, of all students and preceptors, me and page together in order to encourage and become friends with each other. and i am thankful.

burst into tears

as i often do lately. at the sight of ruth's ring. never thought i'd see the day. and what a symbol of all that has/is happening

you can't think about it all the time, but you must think about it some of the time (as in you ought)

the face of death

is grim. and flat creepy. just like in the movies, even when it is without pain and of "natural" causes (be it cancer or the like). mouth agape muscles stiff blood cold and dry. still it has the startling and troubling appearance. and that void when once there was a person, and now.... now a rotting shell. nothing more. it has this vacuum-like poof. like a ghost or a warmth sucked from your presence. real life is wierder than fiction. and sader, much much sader

watched three women lose their brother and husband today

and the daughters their father. "our mother worked, which was unusual in those days, so i really took care of him; he still bosses me around" "thanks for everything, brother" and the shrug hand bah of his wife leaving his body. suckssssssssssss. i hate cancer and death. being a nurse i am certain is the hardest job you will ever have.

what does it mean?

i don't know but i'm sure it's something deep and meaningful

"none of em speak freakin english"

"foreign country half the time"
such prejudiced patients