back to this blog after quite a hiatus :)

i'm trying to understand the darkness and who God can be in light of it. i still have trouble trusting God, despite all the good, the miracles he has worked in my life. the paradigm of my youth did not hold up to my experiences, and though i have let God enter my heart again, i still at times carry fear in my heart. because i do not understand what he permits and why and how and i fear what he may allow in the future. i know i can trust him ultimately, but i don't always know how. just like i know i need to forgive (and whom) but i don't really know how. i think prayer is important for these heart changes that i cannot instruct myself to carry out. and as He never gives up on me, I too will not give up on His healing and grace.