with the heat comes a new kind of wanting

fun busy relaxing weekend. but when everyone goes home and it's me alone in my apartment, there's this emptiness that no amount of training, shopping, laughing, socializing can requite. anxiety about sudan (not getting to go perhaps), the need i compulsively seek to meet of being loved, making myself lovable, attracting attention. i'm such a terrible person when left to my own devices. Lord help me.

and i lay in my twisted sheets and stare out at the snow
still thinking of the next few months, my cold and lifeless eyes
I've never felt so separate
and then there's you but that's so obvious
it's hopeless and i know this, that's why i can't dream
no desire or circumstance would keep this from me

and for a moment i could want nothing
your bright eyes burn through my exploding heart
and for once i can feel a touch complete
and i need to just be near you and fill these empty eyes
i have waited and i will be waiting for the pain to cure the fear


and me I'm in my bedroom drawing in my notebook
because my hand thinks I'm an artist
but my heart knows I'm a poet
It's just words they mean so little to me
i can't seem to deal with total trust
there is something very wrong with me
and if he studies hard enough
he'll end up just like father
who hates his life
and me i'm in the bathroom
crying out my eyelids because it's hard to Be a man
when you are scared like a little kid
the world has become a little too mean
and i can't see the point of patient love


and i started to sink like the moon
tends to do if you stare at it too long
then you blink and its gone
and we crawl to our sleep with the dawn
and isn't it the same mistake? [x3]
it's not much of an escape
and isn't it the same?
i awake in the light feeling hollow and selfishly warm
close the blinds and retreat until what is burning is gone
and it's light is away
then we are back in the dark
chasing nothing through backyards and trees
you ripped your shirt on a fence but it didn't get me
yeah it's fear
it makes you slow
and these creatures look crooked
their shadows cut lines through my face and the concrete is fire



my grandfather's name was moon
because his eyes were bright and round
and no amount of time or liquor could dull them
my grandmother's name was joy
because it spilled out of her heart
and bathed her precious children in its warmth
and there was happiness in life beyond the sorrow
and the pain
but how they ever found it i cannot explain
i guess time has a way of making everything alright
it's just there is not enough of it
and so we drink and we sing and we celebrate
this lie and hope that it will last
morning is here night has passed

but i guess fear has a way of making sleep unbearable
and the days seem dark and long
but we cry and we dance
and we stumble into love with perfect, awkward grace
the moon is gone and the sun has took its place


So hold your applause until the end, and wait for the sadness to set in
Because that's the only feeling that's worth a damn
I hang out with my friends and then I get depressed
And I drink myself to sleep with any strength that is left


but then they say it's better to bury your sadness
in a graveyard or garden that waits for the spring to awake from its sleep
and burst into green
and i've cried and you would think i would better for it
but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in your spine
for the rest of my life





underneath the clock i feel my weary heart is put to rest
you gather around your friends
the connection that you feel when the night has not yet died
you are new with a promise of a love
you will probably never find
and touch that you can really feel
the brokenness inside as hope and less collide
now nothing is real
(you are new and near now to someone you used to love
when you were young; when all was gold and you two touched
and felt the flutter underneath your skin. you stood in glowing rooms,
the light dripping from both of you.
and nothing since has felt as radiant or real.)
and there is nothing more i want than just one night
that's free of doubt and sadness
one night that i can really feel.

invert my values

Colossians 3:1-3 

 ¹Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. ²Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

Romans 8:5 

 ⁵Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

Mark 8:33 

³³But turning and seeing his disciples, he rebuked Peter and said, ^A)">(A) "Get behind me, Satan! For you^B)">(B) are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man."

Philippians 3:19

¹⁹^A)">(A) Their end is destruction,^B)">(B) their god is their belly, and^C)">(C) they glory in their shame, with^D)">(D) minds set on earthly things.

^{Colossians 2:1313}When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature,^b]">[b] God made you^c]">[c] alive with Christ

so I am reminded of things I've forgotten. the way doors can open and people just walk in

so we've been selected in this beautiful lottery.
we struggled so long but it ended so easy.
it's starting to surface, all golden and godlike
this feeling we had every day and every night.
it bursts in an energy. a door it is opening.

but i try to get my head clear, it's too full of ideas that i haven't thought of yet.
and time, clocks keep waving their hands, doing all that they can to get our attention,
but the days fly away down a clean interstate and i'm staring drunk at a map.
so i let my hair down for the second time now, for the final time, now i had my fun.

I noticed how you waste no time making your way
across the room. You leave a wake of tongues
still waving after you. And it isn't no coincidence
where you finally choose to stand.
It's a sweet smile and then a denial. Hey, you
are just trying to be nice. But there is a meaning
to every fleeting action you unconsciously
decide. The clocks they chime.
I know you try and play it cool but there are
some thoughts you just can't hide. Only in your
closest friends do you confide. The way you say
you'll be seeing me, oh like it's so offhand.
You stare at me so boldly now. You have no lack
of confidence. It's just those lessons on sublety
you missed. I know you dream of saving me
like I'm some plane that you could land. But
when you fly you'll be leaving your man.

So when I sat behind the drum set.
Your heartbeat’s what I tried to play.
With kick and snares so careless not in time.
So you got ahead of me.
And I guess I’m still dragging behind.
I had a friend who changed his name
but couldn’t change himself.
Never quite figured out
how to do with what life had dealt.
He put a needle in his arm

to calm his handsome hell.

would have imagined it?
Could’ve worked out so well.
Now he's a shape that moves
like echoes through my empty room.
And there’s a voice that speaks
like someone’s right behind me.
I turned around and found
exactly what you would expect.
Clothes I left on my floor.
The papers piled on my desk.
But where the ink is
where the cause effect what’s meant by it
the story is incomplete.
The pictures’ left unfinished.
So I am writing my own ending.
I’ll let my pen bleed black or blue.
And I will color in the meaning.
It will be gold and green and true.
And I’ll learn to love my new discovered proof.
I’ll be grateful for this day.
I will be grateful for each day to come

I don't know what I am gonna do
There's a song stuck in my head
And I can't help singing it
Oh how I hope my singing pleases you
Cause this is not who I've become
But what you made me into

So imagine what you want
And then hold on to that thought
Cause that's as close as it will ever come

Each day there are hours I skip like a stone
I just crawl in a bag
I'm gonna live my life like somebody's shadow
I know I'm lazy with the little things,
I mean I never held a door

But I still loved you more than anyone since or before

I'll be anything...

the cord of a parachute...
the blanket on top of you...
The window you are looking through...
the cord of a parachute

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know

Maybe there's a woman somewhere,
Who's still thinking of me.
A girl with cold black hair,
Who's haunted in her dreams.
So will you look for me, in that strange bright place,
Cause how I ever got to you, I have no idea.
It's like some secret door, well it just appeared.
So, no matter what I do from now on with my time.
You will always stay here, in my mind.
I'm certain of this, and I'm not certain of anything.
So, I wanna get myself attached, to something bolted down.
So these winds of circumstance won't keep blowin' me arround.
From when I land, to when I leave:
There's not enough time, to sleep and sing.
I keep running around and all I want is to lay motionless

too busy to sleep enough. oversleeping my alarm and crashing into busy days...

and there's this longing.  unrequited.  need to be alone with my Creator.  the hole only He can mend, the vacuum only He's big enough to fill though i try to cram all my friends and loved ones in that spot.  all my activities and striving.  poor substitutes for Life, for Living Water, though life-infused they may be.  bear my burdens, Abba.  I need You so much closer.

"saying time take us forward relief from this longing they could land that plane on my heart i don't care. just give me november the warmth of a whisper in the freezing darkness of my room..."        When the Curious Girl... -Bright Eyes

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

Mother Teresa