with the heat comes a new kind of wanting

fun busy relaxing weekend. but when everyone goes home and it's me alone in my apartment, there's this emptiness that no amount of training, shopping, laughing, socializing can requite. anxiety about sudan (not getting to go perhaps), the need i compulsively seek to meet of being loved, making myself lovable, attracting attention. i'm such a terrible person when left to my own devices. Lord help me.

and i lay in my twisted sheets and stare out at the snow
still thinking of the next few months, my cold and lifeless eyes
I've never felt so separate
and then there's you but that's so obvious
it's hopeless and i know this, that's why i can't dream
no desire or circumstance would keep this from me

and for a moment i could want nothing
your bright eyes burn through my exploding heart
and for once i can feel a touch complete
and i need to just be near you and fill these empty eyes
i have waited and i will be waiting for the pain to cure the fear


and me I'm in my bedroom drawing in my notebook
because my hand thinks I'm an artist
but my heart knows I'm a poet
It's just words they mean so little to me
i can't seem to deal with total trust
there is something very wrong with me
and if he studies hard enough
he'll end up just like father
who hates his life
and me i'm in the bathroom
crying out my eyelids because it's hard to Be a man
when you are scared like a little kid
the world has become a little too mean
and i can't see the point of patient love


and i started to sink like the moon
tends to do if you stare at it too long
then you blink and its gone
and we crawl to our sleep with the dawn
and isn't it the same mistake? [x3]
it's not much of an escape
and isn't it the same?
i awake in the light feeling hollow and selfishly warm
close the blinds and retreat until what is burning is gone
and it's light is away
then we are back in the dark
chasing nothing through backyards and trees
you ripped your shirt on a fence but it didn't get me
yeah it's fear
it makes you slow
and these creatures look crooked
their shadows cut lines through my face and the concrete is fire



my grandfather's name was moon
because his eyes were bright and round
and no amount of time or liquor could dull them
my grandmother's name was joy
because it spilled out of her heart
and bathed her precious children in its warmth
and there was happiness in life beyond the sorrow
and the pain
but how they ever found it i cannot explain
i guess time has a way of making everything alright
it's just there is not enough of it
and so we drink and we sing and we celebrate
this lie and hope that it will last
morning is here night has passed

but i guess fear has a way of making sleep unbearable
and the days seem dark and long
but we cry and we dance
and we stumble into love with perfect, awkward grace
the moon is gone and the sun has took its place


So hold your applause until the end, and wait for the sadness to set in
Because that's the only feeling that's worth a damn
I hang out with my friends and then I get depressed
And I drink myself to sleep with any strength that is left


but then they say it's better to bury your sadness
in a graveyard or garden that waits for the spring to awake from its sleep
and burst into green
and i've cried and you would think i would better for it
but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in your spine
for the rest of my life





underneath the clock i feel my weary heart is put to rest
you gather around your friends
the connection that you feel when the night has not yet died
you are new with a promise of a love
you will probably never find
and touch that you can really feel
the brokenness inside as hope and less collide
now nothing is real
(you are new and near now to someone you used to love
when you were young; when all was gold and you two touched
and felt the flutter underneath your skin. you stood in glowing rooms,
the light dripping from both of you.
and nothing since has felt as radiant or real.)
and there is nothing more i want than just one night
that's free of doubt and sadness
one night that i can really feel.