and now my heart needs a polygraph

why can't it be clear and simple. i believe in being honest, but at what point does frank honesty become cynicism. what is realism? nothing's objective. i have to work to keep myself cheerful/optimistic, and i should do so, right? fake it till you make it? act on faith, let feelings follow? where's the tempering balance in this? from my physical training i've learned to push through great pain. applying this strength to emotional struggles. pushing through emotional pain. find myself able to focus, breathe, and stay strong in moments when i just want to cry. but is it a good thing to make a habit of??? at work, as a professional, i think this is appropriate to do. but what about elsewhere? and how this contrasts with my belief in honesty. this past month I've been questioning everything.

and so i pour myself the stiffest drink my stomach can stand and convince myself to lay back down again.

sometimes i need denial. i think it's my favorite coping mechanism, when used in moderation, and finitely. sometimes i just need it to keep my spirits up while i learn to cope with the heavy blows life deals. it's just a stopgap to help me keep functioning and keep rejoicing. it takes time to work out the stuff we experience in this world. you could let the weight of this world cement your feet to the ocean floor. the floods would overwhelm and sweep over my head sometimes, in my own life, the lives of those around me, in those of my patients, oh.. sometimes it feels like pure sunshine, sometimes the burdens weigh on my soul. sometimes i really just need a good night's sleep...

i'll soak up you tears and keep you from the storm

i keep missing you


WHEW. flew back from BNA, went to Sudan meeting that same night, worked 3 in a row, including CG between days 2 &3. lost my check card. realized i left my cell charger in le ville. searched for tech options, played, and dined with Jack. went to Makerfaire ALL day. PLAYED and it was awesome. ate hot pot and Sweet Breams. got home 15 hours later. fiiiiiiiinally attended City Church Sunday, sat with Jack and Jenny downstairs for the 9am svc. went directly home, packed, went to SLO for Serene's wedding. partied till late, drove back (4 hr journey) with Christine today. went immediately to spin class with Ron. got home, cooked, saw JH, and now to bed for 3 in a row again, then Ruth/Adam will come over during CG Thursday, we'll hang Friday, then I leave for Yosemite for the weekend. Having dinner with ALyson tomorrow after work, Sudan mtg Wed after work, and CG/Ruth/Adam thurs after work. help me slow dowwwn. great convo and reflection time with Christine. life is crazy and awesome and uncertain.