not a bad day

called morsel by the cablasian who leaves us soon, gallant pick up just on time by the creative best friend party planner.  glitter pipe cleaners in the shape of a name, lions galore, and a crown to be worn.  singstar, hockey, parents (ADORABLE)... a close group. the short list.  jh's story of amy meeting the guy from nashville at the wedding and thinking of me.  learning he's not a christian she said, "well, when you're ready to convert, give me a call"  .  Jh's first question to her "is he asian??".  amy said, "aw, she's not serious about that"!  well, i don't know whether i am or not (yes, i AM), but at any rate, good looking out!  I LOVE that these friends of Jh have my BACK as much as she and my girls do.  srsly.  great having lk's party to look forward to at the end of a long day, and still in bed at the same time as last night.  also, great pride in the fact that i was the ONLY non-asian at the party;p   the lame things i delight in...

you're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground

first there was hella hot lee dong wook  look -alike daddy at the end of my run, then there's seeing liz/sandy/alyson at the pool, laughing with JH on the way to the pool, adorable lil egyptian dude on the way back. he's got this kinda shy vibe, new to the city, speaks arabic, lived 8 yrs in FLA, passed me a note with his # on it saying "you're really cute :)" and walked me home..  i said, "this doesn't happen to me very often" he said "i don't do this very often".  he had been trailing me for like 2 blocks before i noticed him and he spoke.. flattering.. so weird!

because this veil it has been lifted yes my eyes are wet with clarity

post CG dining with my boyz (jack and leon).. opening my big fat mouth WAYYY too much.  gossiping; i know better, but tired and comfortable... i love having guy friends. like i don't care how i look with them, i don't care what i say with them, we just gel and chill and i enjoy their company.  none of that worry about possible romance, just hanging, low key with my dude friends.  i am lucky to finally have guys in my life that i am comfortable with like that.  i used to be so shy...

i lob it

i thought i'd share this.. from a while ago..

  Albie: so is marcelle white, asian, or black
christi: yes.
Albie: i'm confused
why thank you for the clarification
christi: :)
anytime
i think of her as a white canvas that you can paint other colors on

6:57 PM me:i ain't no white bread:P

 Christi(e): hahah

  multigrain

tick tick tick

dreamed of video games, swimming pools, and betrotheds. decisions, marriage, a non-english speaking grandma who disproved. who was i marrying? trying to get my computer to play SMB3 and being at some public pool. christine tarn was with me digging through green rubbermaids and i was tossing marshmallows. there were patients too... i was in my room deciding on earrings and husbands. determining which were for the long haul. thinking about my betrothed and how "you just know"... i said i think so, but i don't know. knowing this meant i shouldn't proceed but there was this pressing impatience, like i had imposed a deadline for myself and was running out of options..

hanging in the balance

struggle between erik's "the show must go on" and ruth's "one foot in front of the other" with the true need to grieve and mourn and process and realize this  life/world is fleeting and f*cked. such pain and suffering and death and yet "this is life".  i don't want to forget those i've lost or those who are suffering, but if i dwell on these i can't function.  i never feel utterly in the right balance.

"vacation day" with erik

good to have my buddy. he's my protective older brother now he says, mi cunado; i told him i want him to be for real and that hermana doesn't really know what she wants. we all want her to want him back. grrrrrrrrrrrr. had so much fun today!

darkened dreams and actual sleep from the hours of 2330 to 0630!

of park places and hospitals.  of drinks with coworkers at work and strange dark arcade games with char.  of walking and hanging with CGers, anna, christine, jack, and leon. laughter, planning, me an sis staying out later than the others.  strange touch from another mutual acquaintance...

and working nights makes me so depressed

my funk was mediocre until i heard the playlist from today's lakeside jaunt.  *drop* goes my stomach.  i feel a bit lost, a bit indecisive.  i feel worried about the wrong things, numb about the things over which i actually do have control.  i'm not sure what things to feel guilty about and what things to feel free. my motives are utterly mixed; my emotions are utterly volatile. my personality reserve, depleted. 

and you're not really sure what you're doing this for but you need something to fill up the days. a few more hours, there's a dream in my brain that just won't go away; it's been stuck there since it came a few nights ago..

I've been distracted, lost, ill-focused. 

this world is empty pale and poor compared to knowing You my Lord, lead me on and I will run after you

coming off night-shift is like emerging from a dense, despairing fog. i stand blinking at the sun, dazed, unable to connect or relate, feeling guilty for it... already stressed about existing people/time commitments and sheepish for neglecting new ones. how did i so lose my momentum? char came.  now that i stopped though, i'm unsure how to regain my social equilibrium.  once again, (as with every moment of profound disappointment/letdown in my life) it's a matter of hoping in all the wrong things.  things that are part of life, but cannot give life.

confessions, Augustine

all around, a song of unholy loves

is it really true that in letting go of the one/object you desire you shall then receive?  could it be that as i surrender things to God, He gives?  desperation vs playing it coy?  rest vs striving... trust vs emptiness. 

it all boils down to one quotable phrase, if you love something then give it away