and working nights makes me so depressed

my funk was mediocre until i heard the playlist from today's lakeside jaunt.  *drop* goes my stomach.  i feel a bit lost, a bit indecisive.  i feel worried about the wrong things, numb about the things over which i actually do have control.  i'm not sure what things to feel guilty about and what things to feel free. my motives are utterly mixed; my emotions are utterly volatile. my personality reserve, depleted. 

and you're not really sure what you're doing this for but you need something to fill up the days. a few more hours, there's a dream in my brain that just won't go away; it's been stuck there since it came a few nights ago..

I've been distracted, lost, ill-focused. 

this world is empty pale and poor compared to knowing You my Lord, lead me on and I will run after you

coming off night-shift is like emerging from a dense, despairing fog. i stand blinking at the sun, dazed, unable to connect or relate, feeling guilty for it... already stressed about existing people/time commitments and sheepish for neglecting new ones. how did i so lose my momentum? char came.  now that i stopped though, i'm unsure how to regain my social equilibrium.  once again, (as with every moment of profound disappointment/letdown in my life) it's a matter of hoping in all the wrong things.  things that are part of life, but cannot give life.

confessions, Augustine

all around, a song of unholy loves

is it really true that in letting go of the one/object you desire you shall then receive?  could it be that as i surrender things to God, He gives?  desperation vs playing it coy?  rest vs striving... trust vs emptiness. 

it all boils down to one quotable phrase, if you love something then give it away