Made alive with laughter

Thursday, August 06, 2009

let me rewind the things i said that made it rain inside your eyes

life is full of hard/sad things
of surprises
so many twists and turns
curveballs
disappointments
mistakes made
lessons learned
battles ongoing

faith refuses to panic
and fights on
takes dogged determination
to keep on
and not despair
or self-pity
or self-loathe
takes a lot of courage
and hope
and faith in His love

i'm ever in this desperate place
in much need of His deliverance

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

why is this part of our waking human life?

Romans 6:6

6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—



but then we have this:

Romans 7:15-24

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.a]">[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Monday, August 03, 2009

away from the things of man

"i look forward to it; even though the dreams really shake me up"

"she's soul-sick. i'm soul-sick too and you're going to see that."

"almost everyone you see is asleep... only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement."

"a long time, on a crooked road. did i ever tell you? the first time i saw you, i felt like i'd seen you before."

therapeutic quiet evening

swimming at rossi, sitting at OB for sunset, talking to Lyds for 70 min. Deep stuff. about all she went thru with Ma J and all I'm going through in my Sudan experience and life transitions. drove to blockbuster. blared Beck and Bright Eyes. walked quiet streets home after 9:30 p. alone and glad of it. though a little sad. this weekend playing in Portland with friends will be great.

pretty much

from re-entry resources:

"Before we left we were solidly entrenched in our church ministry, school, work, and home life. Our values were driven by those relationships and experiences. When we return home everything can feel very different. Some of the things that were important to us before we left fail to impact us in the same way now that we are back. Getting good grades, getting a job advancement, watching the playoffs, purchasing a new car, assuming more responsibility for ministry at church--all these may seem less attractive or fulfilling. After working with needy children living in a garbage dump in Mexico, hiking dangerous mountain trails to a remote village in the mountains of Papua New Guinea...etc..., some of our previously "important" activities may now seem trivial. In fact, some of the things that supported our well being before we left now seem tasteless, dull, less desirable, and perhaps a waste of time, money, and effort."

"Reentry stress is real. You are experiencing it or you will experience it at some level. Sometimes you have gone through the reentry experience before, therefore you don't expect it after the second or third trip.... Sometimes reentry can be more stressful after multiple trips than it was after the first trip. Many people do not recognize that reentry stress is a real issue. Therefore, they have trouble understanding that they have changed significantly. Someone once said, 'When you travel to another culture and people, your heart becomes enlarged in �such a way that it will never be as small as it was before you left.' We fall in love with people overseas. All the nameless faces we have seen in missionary publications now have names. Their hurts, fears and joys seem more important to us since some of them are our friends. You know and remember who they are and where they lived. They made a meal for you with the best they had. They sacrificed a month's wages to cook a chicken for you. When you experience these things, or a hundred others like them--you begin to realize you are a different person from the one that left some time ago. Realizing that your values, your priorities, your prayer life, and you are different is a big step in making the adjustment to becoming a valuable, contributing believer in your church and your daily life."

"We often feel discouraged, disconnected, disappointed, aloof, out-of-it, and sometimes just plain weird after arriving home. Sometimes it takes a long time to readjust and begin to feel normal again. Reentry stress rears its ugly head in many different and disconcerting ways. Be careful not to criticize values and decisions while you are still in the 'fog.' Give yourself the gift of time. Discipline yourself to use the tools that God provides for you to readjust successfully and become a more valuable member of your own culture."





Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to b]">[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

songs of the hour

My life, it don't count for nothing.
When I look at this world, I feel so small.
My life, it's only a season:
A passing September that no one will recall.

But I gave joy to my mother.
And I made my lover smile.
And I can give comfort to my friends when they're hurting.
And I can make it seem better for a while.

My life, it's half the way travelled,
And still I have not found my way out of this night.
An' my life, it's tangled in wishes,
And so many things that just never turned out right.

But I gave joy to my mother.
And I made my lover smile.
And I can give comfort to my friends when they're hurting.
And I can make it seem better,
I can make it seem better,
I can make it seem better for a while.
-Iris Dement



Sunday morning, praise the dawning
It's just a restless feeling by my side
Early dawning, sunday morning
It's just the wasted years so close behind

Watch out, the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all

Sunday morning and I'm falling
I've got a feeling I don't want to know
Early dawning, sunday morning
It's all the streets you crossed, not so long ago

Watch out, the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all

Watch out, the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all

Sunday morning
Sunday morning
-Velvet Underground

Sunday, August 02, 2009

In Christ Alone!! (the Hymn)

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me
;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand
.

back from Sudan

Welcomed warmly at Joe and Derick's. Ride home with L'bert. Good time with friends, lots of great food:) So much has happened and so much has gone through my head since leaving and returning. Job stuff. Ma Jean. Other life changes. Questioning and re-evaluating everything. Surreal