coping with LOSS

of someone you saw being in your life all down the road

Cannot recall the last time I viewed life as stable/static. probably high school, or at least pre-nursing school. I thought life was controllable back then...

When will got sick, I found CHAOS dominating

SO much, I've doubted God's goodness, His benevolence since then
Therefore these days I start prayer by telling God (myself really)
who He is
"I know you care/love/weep/treasure..."


I am realizing how LOSS (Will/Dre) has colored my view of God, lead to trust issues, difficulty believing that God is good, loving, benevolent,
and seeing how that's fleshed out in other areas of my life
Failure to trust God with my future, my desire for a family...

I realize I'm still very wounded (thought i was kinda over all this), carrying around these fundamental doubts of God's character and goodness
How can I believe what He has said/promised in His word?
Do I really think He has good for me?
(and do I WANT His "good" or something else altogether--
wanting Will to live > what God would do through his death)

how paralyzing for God to allow such pain in our lives
hard thereafter to trust His plan
amazing to find this is a common thread among friends
i brought it up, but none are unmarred,
hearts seem irrevocably scarred by similar events
"it's been 7 years, but I'm still stuck."

Now, after making mistakes based on my doubt of God, I am realizing/remembering that I don't know shit,
and I desperately want only what God gives/has/is

All here is temporal and I see only a single point/dot in all dimensions/time
Forgive me God for questioning Your sovereignty and especially Your GOODNESS
(and trying to take matters into my own hands)
Please reconcile those things in me,
Authenticity of hope and trust and belief

i chose the gallows to the aisle, thought that love would never find

Philippians 3:20-21
"But our citizenship is in heaven, and it is from there that we are expecting a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. He will transform the body of our humiliation that it may be conformed to the body of His glory, by the power that also enables him to make all things subject to himself."


our citizenship is in heaven - recall who you ARE, where and to whom you BELONG
our loyalty, what we rely on is the LORD (not Rome or anything else we value)

He will transform the body of our humiliation - HALLELUIAH-- transform this body of humiliation, I suck:)

Knowing that our suffering is temporary

we all experience these events differently
how we let them sink in or don't
(some lines of work invite instability in)

we don't like to think about it but sometimes we don't get the choice
some feel that the instability or chaos is stable/predictable

we are BUILT towards this idea of forever, in heaven, built for this permanence (citizenship is in heaven)


things we think are big priorities in life are really just temporary
(nice stuff, even spouse/family) all is ephemeral and fading



From Philippians 4:1-9

STAND FIRM

THANK
with evenness of temper
INSISTING ON GOD's GOODNESS/ LOVE

TRUST
peace guards heart

THINK
on pure things

THE LORD IS NEAR

"So I wanna get myself attached to something bolted down so these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around"

Philippians 4:4-8
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

About Christianity, ask not if it's helpful, but if it's TRUE. Cause if it's not, eat/drink/be merry, for tomorrow we die (see 1 Cor 15:32-34)

"Let us eat and drink,
for tomorrow we die." Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God.

Stabilizing truth at the core of your being. nothing really lasts. Jesus comes to make all things new. Recall the mission, the big story, WHO YOU ARE, "whose names are in the book of life". To grow that anchor, you should be doing everything you can to grow that depth! To be able to bring the big story to bear on smaller things. When you have circumstances at the center of your life, you will always be unstable.

Stabilizing lifestyle
1. Gentleness-- a radical evenness of temper.
you can weep and have REAL sorrow, but ultimately you are not destroyed! With good things, you say "careful heart", it could be gone in a second. Only Jesus never forsakes. Holy moderation. Rejoice that your name is written in heaven (not rejoice in successes).

2. Insistent prayer with thanksgiving! Funnel all through the wise and good God's love. How often we say "unless I get a full explanation of the bad things... God is bad." We say "what good could possibly come of this!??!" Jesus stood before the cross and did not run away. ONLY TRUST HIM NOW. "the picture's far too big to look at kid, you're eyes won't open wide enough"! I must insist on God's wise love, even as I pray for relief.

Isaiah 55:8-9

⁸ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

And we'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve
Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

3.A beautiful mind (vs 8) Think about such things!!! Feed your mind, fill it with good (not evil, worldly) things! Garbage in, garbage out (so passe but so true, i've seen it in my life!). [Not be separate to avoid or chastise the world, but for SURVIVAL!]

Thank you City Church SF! (I added my own thoughts/reflections to Sunday's sermon)