"If I ever have a snake it will be called Basil. a--as in apple, not a--as in baby." -Mel

It had been a wonderful evening and what I needed now, to give it the perfect ending, was a little of the Ludwig Van.


Doobidoob. A bit tired, maybe. Best not to say more. Bedways is rightways now, so best we go homeways and get a bit of spatchka. Right, right?


Enjoying that are you my darlin'? Bit cold and pointless isn't it my lovely? What's happened to yours my little sister? .... What you got back home, little sister, to play your fuzzy warbles on? I bet you got little save pitiful, portable picnic players. Come with uncle and hear all proper! Hear angel trumpets and devil trombones. You are invited.


Now it was lovely music that came into my aid. There was a window open with the stereo on, and I viddied right at once what to do.


During a flu epidemic! The doctors told me it was pneumonia, but I knew what it was! A VICTIM OF THE MODERN AGE! Poor, poor girl!


No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter.


I woke up. The pain and sickness all over me like an animal. Then I realized what it was. The music coming up from the floor was our old friend, Ludwig Van, and the dreaded Ninth Symphony. ..
Suddenly, I viddied what I had to do, and what I had wanted to do, and that was to do myself in; to snuff it, to blast off for ever out of this wicked, cruel world. One moment of pain perhaps and, then, sleep for ever, and ever and ever.

It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen.

Righty-right.


Religion: C of E

parents: P and M

sheer brilliance. and that doesn't even touch on any of the cinematography, sets, costumes, acting...

A Clockwork Orange

"I was too busy giggling"

I *LOVE* my friends. We really have become comfortable with each other. sibling-like teasing incessantly. And they are all so smart. silly but so true; makes discussion that much more enlightening/inspiring. everybody to the limit, what's that, it's to the limit. start the chain reaction by knowing the Father/Son (or by Him knowing you). did he just say something about smoking crack? " look away, he will rise again in 3 days". Jung Hee's face. clarity and truth. He looks out for the overlooked. Happy are those whose hope is in Him. Opens the eyes of the blind and lifts up those who are bowed down. Ps 146.

explaining my way of integrating all I see/encounter/hear/read in my journaling. my journaling about scripture, life, music, books, human interactions as both prayer and meditation, my way of assimilating the many sources of life into the true utmost source from which they all derive ultimate value. how God keeps bringing me back to a few fundamental lessons. ones I can't believe I still need learning:

1.TRUST Him. manifested in SO many ways/areas. He's got my back. He has a plan. He is good. Don't worry. God knows what I need better than I do... the list goes on

2. Only He can satisfy my soul. my longings, my desires, my needs. Approval, fun, friends, accomplishments are all without. They leave me empty eventually, whatever the object I chase.

3. And like the Dude, I must ABIDE [in Him]. saturate my soul in His Word, meditate on His character, communicate with Him who has given me life, hope, every good and perfect gift.

he knew that the best way to avoid Jesus was to avoid sin

p181 The Reason For God

In Christ I could know I was accepted by grace not only despite my flaws, but because I was willing to admit them. The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I cam so loved and valued and that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less. I don't need to notice myself-- how I'm doing, how I'm being regarded--so often.

Bright Eyes again holds me enraptured.

even his worst songs move me to tears. lyrics are just raw. I guess you just either get it or you don't. but give him a chance.

the big computer in the sky takes care of it

happens magically

to cool the fever of my brain

"Their warmth and welcoming and desire to understand shook me to my good-feeling-system and I had to have it." First of all, love this. and i think that's so true that we always know we/things are worse/bigger than we admit to ourselves that we understand. Fred (city church) told a story about a village next to a concentration camp in germany. when the camp was liberated, the officer went to the town, asked the some of the prominent town people "did you really not know what was going on next door?", and took around the camp to show them.when the mayor and wife went home and hung themselves, fred said that if they had had really no clue, they wouldn't have had such guilt, and if they had fully known about it they wouldn't have either (b/c they would have had to do something I suppose). I feel that is so true, like we know we hurt people and are wrong more than we can bear to admit. awareness hurts b/c we're a mess. I'll find it later, but there's this book I'm reading that talks about this. there's no room for feeling either superior or sh*tty b/c we're worse than we know and also forgiven more than we can know. more to come.

feels like what you should be chasing

the issue of sanity
god is moving things in you and out of you
what you didn't want is what you will be to give you a kick in the tush
whatever you decide is right/ wrong unavoidable
it's more real than you think it is so you have to deal with it.
mel

time is escaping here

11/21/07
dreamt of snorkeling at night with mom, mel, lyds, and seeing box jellyfish glow int he dark-- also dreamed of sharing cinnamon cupcakes jenny had made with some guy. it being slightly awkward.

The Durango '95 purred away a real horrowshow - a nice, warm vibraty feeling all through your guttiwuts. And soon it was trees and dark, my brothers,

Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now.

Clockwork..

it's all the little things that kill tearing at my brain again:)

10/22/07
dreamed of a family trip. first dream was with ruth or siblings, both maybe. at a water park type place with swimming, diving boards, and slides... 2nd dream family roadtrip. a lap pool with some lanes people swimming, other lanes were dry with gymnastics equipment and chalk everywhere. there was a young guy working there and birds in a room attacking me for the food i carried. the young guy rescued me. something else rustic scene, a boat party with also a pool and a paddle boat i think. it was some old movie, children's' movie i believe and lydia was there. there were lanterns hanging and parents with kids also me finding out that i was a mom and getting a form to fill out for custody-- being in shock that i had a baby. i think the father had the baby and i think he was hispanic and the form definitely said "Marcella" preprinted and the lady with the form said "so is a marcelle the mother" and i said yes that's me. also on the family trip. i remember dad waiting in the van, the old blue van with some of the kids and it was getting late. i remember talking to someone about how we would get up late and therefore only eat 2 meals a day on this road trip...

Everything else is a waste of breath

10/19/07
dreamed of rich pond and raf went to rp in my dream and was trying to get me to go on the 2 mission trips. one was cliff jumping in hawaii kona and the other was several months later to iran or something.. he really wanted me to come and i remember being like, i'm so glad to know that he's a Christian.. also vivid dreaming of perry and lydia and i smacked one of them and felt SO bad. being worried about lydia and mom and char snuck off to discuss something. so odd and vivid....

so pleased with the daydream that now livin's no good

oct 4 2007

dreamed crazy dreams last night. of work and a patient who's roommate climbed on him and pulled out his iv just before i had to hang bicarb. then alyson volunteering to replace the iv and the patient being in bed with his wife in the hospital bed and she being someone who was often our pt too. then the d/c orders that said d/c iv, d/c home in 2 months and me being like what? new c/c teaching records and more paperwork from management. also being left when JH and Jordan went to arizmendi in the rain. dad and perry there. me digging thru clothes and purses but not finding stuff, being tangled up, dad singing Rn B in falsetto and sounding actually good doing it. me being pissed to get left behind and knocking over 2 ceramic things on jh's dresser. me looking out he window for my friends and seeing people out in the rain waiting for transportation but my friends had already walked. mom was there at some point, shoes, taking ipod into the shower but needed and extra item to do so.........

genre bending

don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much

archives from an abandoned blog

Friday, February 2, 2007

wait, i'll come back to it. this time more dreams, all i know is me mom char in the van and talking some recent/past circumstance and suddenly i am angry (at you) i don't know what it was but the "roll out" line comes immedidately to mind "fifty thousand dollars (or something) gone where the ---- did you spend it"
and we were talking later about the past and you and me walking opposite ways on this flower lined dirt park path towards each other and bumped arms when we passed and laughing that at the time we made a big deal of it. Then there was something about a deserted building and a hot air balloon ride with jamie and someone else from work, i forget. me and my manager giving each other morphine and percocet for pain, me taking care of ruth schroed as a patient at work by suprise, and something so odd at the end about mom saying when perry was a baby charlene had such paternal (not maternal!) instincts and helps clean his diaper and something like she thought his penis was an octopus!!!! HELP MEL MY DREAMS ARE TAKING OVER MY SANITY!! hahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaa and i wish i could remember more. i am off to work again

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Melissa Liddle
Date: Feb 1, 2007 3:02 PM


aaahahahahah. i love it. what is the more dreams. i know those are you visual memories but can you remember any of the circumstances more?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: marcelle
Date: Feb 1, 2007 6:16 AM


yes i knew macbeth. plus i can hear mom say it in fake british. yeah. and it is rare when the songs hit the exact time/feeling. but thoser goodns. last night so many weir dreams. one of them i remember you being like where are you going and i grabbbed you by teh shirt collars and said "f-ing work!" and you laughed and i laughed. weirddddd. also schoolbus with the family, friends and art and waves and icky homes and ugly sweaters. ahh. all night long wierdd

sister correspondence

feb 8 2007

it's really good. he like tells you that things aren't the worst. he gives you some room. he lets you choose. thankie jesus.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: marcelle
Date: Feb 8, 2007 11:25 PM


oh yeah content is almost always good, at least feels good and so often elusive. i am so glad that you are revising! Close to done!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS i am so releived to hear that! gooood job. it happens. we talked tonight in community group how procrastination is reinforced b/c you get away with it. haha. it's true. we don't learn, b/c it works out:) sometimes God is too gentle. not possible but you know, too gracious, of course more than we are deserving. LOVE
i am proud of you and happy for you to be almost thru this week!
mar

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Melissa Liddle
Date: Feb 8, 2007 11:20 PM


thank you so much sister. i'm revising and i feel encouraged to be almost done. i know it's loony. i should have started earlier and all that. grades and work ethic and wisdom. but i'm content. that's good right?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: marcelle
Date: Feb 8, 2007 11:18 PM


I hope you aren't still up but if you are mee to and i'm thinking of you and love u

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Melissa Liddle
Date: Feb 8, 2007 5:32 AM


thank you sis. thank you.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: marcelle
Date: Feb 7, 2007 9:19 PM


Love you my girl

marnee

feb 13, 2007

of the thai that talked with us much CGers and all. said i have a very comfortable face. said when i have a boyfriend to bring him, give her a signal, go to the bathroom and she will read him i guess you could say. tell me if he's right. she said that i am sometimes too sensitive and need lots of love and affection and that i am warm. she liked that i'm a nurse. i loved her. she rocks.