Made alive with laughter: 2005-12-11

we were perfect when we started i've been wondering where we've gone

august and everything

i need a raincoat. i get no answers, i don't get no change..

it really is downpouring in san francisco tonight. and it's COLD, markedly moreso today. and the smell of hospitals in winter, you know? and missing new orleans, and my family, and nk and LA and so many others.

I need a phone call.. i really really need a rain coat. i can't always hear the freight train, maybe if i listen real hard... cause i'm lonely for the big town.

and there were earthquakes all up the coast today. i feel cold inside and out. cold and tired and sad. generally sad i guesss. not in a despairing way, more in a sentimental way i guess. and regrets. i dont know.

it's raining in baltimore baby, everything else is the same

there's things i remember things i forget. i miss you i guess that i should. three thousand five hundred miles away. what would you change if you could.

the circus is falling down on its knees, the big top is tumbling down. it's raining in baltimore, 15 miles east. you should be no one's around.

this train conversations passing me by and i don't have nothing to say you get what you pay for but i just had no intention of living this way.

chill as the dawn breaks

white stark angular, but not sharp. bleak but not dark. pale but not sick, thin but not frail.

where art meets science

trail of white blood betrays the reckless route your craft is running

to an extent

i guess i'm just one of those open book kind of people. i like to share my honest feelings. to know and be known. i'm not afraid of the stark reality. i embrace and accept it.

slayed by nature

to where i fall to my knees on my wooded mountain in the sand, skiing down the cliffside, like no words or pictures can possibly describe

but i don't resent

and into nothingness

man of sorrows has no place to rest his head. rescue missions dig up the bones of sorrow. he left the comfort of heaven to serve and save the poor. who's that ghost singing our song.

but all i want to do is sleep.

boys in cords, voicemail hillarity, and it was mel who got me listing

who's that ghost singing our songs

Broken records and dead balloons
And it's happy birthday, say so long to sorrow

then day for night and untitled song 2. beck.com is a gem

back to the city

driving from concord blasting counting crows albums 1 and 2, deserted streets and bay lit views. idiot drivers and stick shift hills. a stop at safeway for lavendar and green tea and home to my ramshackle apartment for a pilates video and to take it back from the ants invading my kitchen. happy recipies and thai takeout. sleeping late not thinking of work wonderful.

i may not be fast

and yet terrible at multitasking, but i'm not scared of the drs anymore. even of the jerky ones. i am more confident than i've been and just active to advocate for my patients and to get them what they need. that's progress.

took williams

will die tonight by lethal injection. here. just north of san fran. I've passed san quentin many a time between here and the grandparents' house. and while i don't think he's truly sorry for what he's done, aside from the punishment associated with it, i also don't condone his murder. yes, he should be punished, no he shouldn't be released into society where he can repeat old misdeeds, but who's job is it to kill? who gives that lethal injection? a corrections officer? a physician? a specialist in anethesia? I mean really, how could one do that. Especially if this executioner is in support of the death penalty and therefore feels some satisfaction/justification in the act. he/she too is a murderer. and so is everyone facilitating this death. he may deserve death, but who are we do carry this out. only God gives life and only He should take it. human life is too precious. what is gained by this man's death? some tax money that would've sustained his existence in san quentin for the next 30 years? i really don't care. I just get the chills and shudder to think of someone in the US in the 21st century being killed in a little chamber, like a concentration camp in WW2 germany. it's just not humane and i wonder what most Christians think about the death penalty. I used to be in favor of it, and now i look with disbelief on this perspective.

my back door. the ocean lies just beyond.

to my best friend

And amen to being frustrated with yourself. I so want to stop running from God! I am beginning to let Him into my life more again, but still not being good about seeking Him in the Bible. I can blame it on my wak schedule, but really it' my laziness. But I prayed yesterday on the train home that he would make me long for Him, because I don't the way I want to. Sure I am crying out to Him when I work and am SOOO exhausted my brain is fuzz and I'm honestly not sure how I'm going to keep going for the full 13hrs and so on. Sure I cry to Him when I feel alone. But do I go to HIm because I LOVE Him and just want to be with Him? Not like I want to . And do I turn to Him instead of sinful coping mechanisms? LIke one day a week. So instead of hating myself I am trying to just fall in repentence and desperate need of Him to change me.
You know it is SO weird this schedule. I can't beleive it's Monday today. Working the weekends SUCK for church going. I feel so disconnected and sad without a church body to serve in. But I feel like I NEED weekend pace right now to survive! So maybe the next schedule (FEB's) I will sign up for not as many weekend days, but I don't know. I mean, I still am just barely making it on weekends. I stay at least an hour (if not 2) late just finishing up (unpaid time) all I have to do! ANd there are moments when I feel good about my work and such but so many more where I feel SO inadequate. I know it just takes time, and my Coworkers are AWESOME. very funny, and so patient with me. I pray that i might be a light and have the only result not be my head being filled with curse words:) But i like how they joke with me and are so willing to show me how to do stuff I've never done and ask how I'm doing. So for that i'm really thankful.

no regrets

live Mar live

and my days off are a vacuum

i think i'm going to want to sleep ALL day, and then I get here and I just want to be with people and regret decicions to sleep in rather than seeing family and I feel depressed. These extremes have got me yo-yo-ing out of sanity.

nothing-- there's nothing--

after days 1 and 2 i have thoughts; after day 3 I have nothing-- the only fragments: shower and feet hurt. but considering I sat down for 1 out of 14 hours, that's really not bad- and my back and knees are totally fine, thanks to my brown danskos-- which i love. clogs=going to work in slippers, feeling scandinavian, and preserving my joints all at once; the best 120$ i ever spent. these are my working shoes.

please God make me long for you.not just because I'm stressed or lonely, but because I love and long for you.-- please make me do (desire) this-- becaause I don't the way I want to.

sooo many unreturned pages today-- I guess because today was Sunday. though ever getting off work late sucks and I'm exhausted, there's something to be said for the challenge-- ever being stretched and demanded of. maximizing potential.