to my best friend

And amen to being frustrated with yourself. I so want to stop running from God! I am beginning to let Him into my life more again, but still not being good about seeking Him in the Bible. I can blame it on my wak schedule, but really it' my laziness. But I prayed yesterday on the train home that he would make me long for Him, because I don't the way I want to. Sure I am crying out to Him when I work and am SOOO exhausted my brain is fuzz and I'm honestly not sure how I'm going to keep going for the full 13hrs and so on. Sure I cry to Him when I feel alone. But do I go to HIm because I LOVE Him and just want to be with Him? Not like I want to . And do I turn to Him instead of sinful coping mechanisms? LIke one day a week. So instead of hating myself I am trying to just fall in repentence and desperate need of Him to change me.
You know it is SO weird this schedule. I can't beleive it's Monday today. Working the weekends SUCK for church going. I feel so disconnected and sad without a church body to serve in. But I feel like I NEED weekend pace right now to survive! So maybe the next schedule (FEB's) I will sign up for not as many weekend days, but I don't know. I mean, I still am just barely making it on weekends. I stay at least an hour (if not 2) late just finishing up (unpaid time) all I have to do! ANd there are moments when I feel good about my work and such but so many more where I feel SO inadequate. I know it just takes time, and my Coworkers are AWESOME. very funny, and so patient with me. I pray that i might be a light and have the only result not be my head being filled with curse words:) But i like how they joke with me and are so willing to show me how to do stuff I've never done and ask how I'm doing. So for that i'm really thankful.