just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been

fevered dreams tonight. char and kiki in N.O. under the weather. JH sick enough to be admitted and had no idea, which made me wonder if i needed to be checked out with my fatigue and temp mis-regulation. AH died and only a handful at the funeral. I cried and said, "it's a real shame." It was outside of a grocery store and me and lyds brought yellow flowers. Mel was there. Char showed up full of new color. She had been in the hospital and had 10 pints of blood! Then at my work asking for lunch time and noel asking about and insulin discrepancy question. I awoke so burdened. My sleep was restless and fitful at best. There were hot bright sunsets full of decay and twilight. When there was a time of day.

How time can move both fast and slow amazes me

A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
Each feature improved, each movement refined and eyes like a showroom
It's just once something dies you can't make it live
So I laid back down and wrapped myself up in the sheet
And I must have looked like a ghost cause something frightened me
And since then I've been so good at vanishing
Now I do as I please and I lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free
And a little bit empty


I'm staring out into that vacuum again
From the back porch of my mind
The only thing thats alive, I'm all there is

Cause there's this switch that gets hit
And it all stops making sense
And in the middle of drinks
Maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing, nothing

Well I need a break from the city again
I think I'll ship myself back west

And I'm so ungrateful, I take
She gives and forgives and I keep forgetting it

And each morning she wakes
With a dream to describe
Something lovely that bloomed
In her beautiful mind
I say, "i'll trade you one
For two nightmares of mine
I have some where i die
I have some where we all die"

I'm thinking of quitting drinking again
I know I've said that a couple of times
And I'm always changing my mind
Well I guess I am
But there's this burn in my stomach
And there's this pain in my side
And when I kneel at the toilet
And the morning's clean light
Pours in through the window
Sometimes I pray I don't die
I'm a -- hypocrite



And so I raise my glass to symmetry
To the second hand and its accuracy
To the actual size of everything
The desert is the sand

You can't hold it in your hand
It won't bow to your demands
There's no difference you can make
There's no difference you can make
And if it seems like an accident
A collage of senselessness
You weren't looking hard enough
I wasn't looking hard enough

I want to learn such simple things
No politics, no history
So what I want and what I need
Can finally be the same
I just got myself to blame
Give everything up to fate
When there's choices I can make
When there's choices I can make
Now my heart needs a polygraph
I'm so eager to pack my bags
When I really wanna stay

The levity of longing that
Distills each dream inside my head
By morning watered down, forget
On silver stars I wish and wish and wish



Winter came to Omaha and left us looking like a bride
A million perfect snowflakes
And no two are alike
And so it's hard for me imagining the flaws in this design
I know debris, it covers everything
But still I am in love with this life


There is only now

But know there's no backing out
This is gonna be reality
You can never dream it down

And I know the cause
And I want to stop
But I can't do it
I just can't do it

But for memory and clarity
We had better write it down

I have no way of knowing
The truth with time dissolves

I put the past into the ground
I saw the future as a cloud
If there's still time to turn around
I'm going to

Its just one day I fell asleep
And now all day and night I dream
I am the first one I deceive
If I can make myself believe
The rest is easy

64 and sunny

and a bag of kiwi mango honeydew blueberries and pears

i love SF. it's FEBRUARY.

not the official vid. but sweeeet

All I know is I feel better when I sing burdens are lifted from me

But I won't be frightened when I'm awoken from this dream

dreamed mel and i were on our way to 6:15 am bodypump, but it was 6:07 and char was all up in the way on the computer so i couldn't register and i was so pissed at her. then my alarm happened and it was 5:55 and i had plenty of time to register and left with Jung Hee. it was so stressful. i wonder if mel would even like bodypump?

I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full I need some meaning I can memorize The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

So that's how I learned the lesson
That everyone's alone
And your eyes must do some raining
If you're ever gonna grow
And when crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope
That's why I'm singing baby don't worry
'Cause now I got your back
And every time you feel like crying
I'm gonna try and make you laugh
And if I can't
If it just hurts too bad
Then we'll wait for it to pass
And I will keep you company for those days so long and black
And we'll keep working on the problem
We know we'll never solve
Our love's un-even remainders
Our lives are fractions of a whole
But if the world could remain within a frame
Like a painting on a wall
Then I think we'd see the beauty then
We'd stand staring in awe
At our still lives posed
Like a bowl of oranges
Like a story told
By the fault-lines in the soil

i keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes

radiant sunrise

And in the ear of every anarchist who sleeps but doesn't dream

a brightly colored yet dirty dank set dream. alyson, fruit in the oven, discussing bright eyes with trey, carnival, liz there, southern bbq, a dirty bathroom, a roller coaster, cassie g being afraid then too bold hanging out of the coaster. a certain door was opened, ride was stopped. jenny was there. the door that was opened was to the morgue, this is a serious offense. bart-like train to take us back. shame.

thanks LA

Final Notations
Adrienne Rich

it will not be simple, it will not be long
it will take little time, it will take all your thought
it will take all your heart, it will take all your breath
it will be short, it will not be simple

it will touch through your ribs, it will take all your heart
it will not be long, it will occupy your thought
as a city is occupied, as a bed is occupied
it will take all your flesh, it will not be simple

You are coming into us who cannot withstand you
you are coming into us who never wanted to withstand you
you are taking parts of us into places never planned
you are going far away with pieces of our lives

it will be short, it will take all your breath
it will not be simple, it will become your will

from Oct 06 flashing back to see how far i've come

"Like I have jet lag all the time

Sometimes lately I’ve felt like I’m losing it. Then I wonder how/why this is possible when I only work 3 times a week. But then I remember how I don’t sleep well in between and I have nightmares involving work and how badly I miss my family and how terribly I’ve dealt with Will being sick. And then I remember that this summer was the first one in my entire life in which I didn’t swim in the pool on Bancroft drive. Then I remember why I feel like a wreck some of the time."

i've been searching for this post lately. authentic. in my browsings i've seen how FAR i've come this past year. in adjusting to life in SF, to LIKING my job (rather than pure dread), to seeing God, to social joy/edification, gratefulness, independence, ... How grateful i feel! much is due to my incredible CG and the familial support they are in my life. What a rich blessing!

"had a thought that happened before i checked it while gazing at the bright sky merging with that vast indigo ocean:

"the same God who made that [sunset] killed will"

will lives but estimated approximate 2 mo left and God is allowing it-- in my mind He already has killed will. hmm. how wrong, but here i am."

how long it's taken me to come to grips with what happened to Will. How willing he and Ruth were to sit with Jesus on the bathroom floor of this darkness, while I was banging down the door for Him to let us out.

"I don't care who comes to the Lord because of this, what God wants to teach us because of it, I just want will to LIVE. I know this is wrong, and selfish, but it's what i feel".

It's taken me a long time

and we were night and day, when you rose i went away

oh man, what weird dreams when i napped today (wed)-- most memorable was being somewhere with Jamie that these 2 guys were there too. we were being instructed in something, outdoors, concrete, daytime. me wearing grey chucks and the toe split in front . one of the guys was tall with piercing blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. Jamie being silly and pulling me to the ground in a gaggle of giggles-- then we were all leaving without more than a glance between me and tall dreamy guy. into the parking lot he was soon surrounded by gay male cheerleaders (a whole squad in girls' uniforms, bright blue and yellow, complete with pom-poms) and it was I who rescued him from the cheerleaders' attack by putting my arm around him and walking him away from the scene as if I knew/ was with him-- he was grateful-- I don't really remember what went on next for sure, going to his car, or was he on a bike?? I know it was non-sexual, but somehow I ended up with his jeans. at my house/apt-- they were some nice designer jeans, so tall and so heavy-- in the pocket i think was his wallet and even palm pilot/ phone-- i was using it-- and I was excited to think he may return in his car (red/sporty) to retrieve it when my alarm went off-- also mom had given me some mini plastic tea set, during this time of me discovering the forgotten denim and hoping to see this guy again, but I already had one-- i mean, plastic tea sets are all the rage right now-- this dream was very full, bright in colors and daylight, whereas my last posted dream was fevered and in twilight. i enjoy the contrast

these worldly desires will pass away; live for the forever

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all...If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness...Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and you, because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining...But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him...For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

1 John 1:5, 8-9; 2:8,11,16-17

our manic search for meaning

SO many things I look to for life. They all leave me THIRSTY. Let me drink from the spring of Living Water that I may never thirst again. You alone satisfy the human soul. Lord lead me.

For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

T.S. Elliot. such a good one.

  Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit...

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea....

   Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?...

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers...

 I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

for the whole thing:
http://www.artofeurope.com/eliot/eli1.htm

"Listen" by W.A. Merwin

with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is"