from Oct 06 flashing back to see how far i've come

"Like I have jet lag all the time

Sometimes lately I’ve felt like I’m losing it. Then I wonder how/why this is possible when I only work 3 times a week. But then I remember how I don’t sleep well in between and I have nightmares involving work and how badly I miss my family and how terribly I’ve dealt with Will being sick. And then I remember that this summer was the first one in my entire life in which I didn’t swim in the pool on Bancroft drive. Then I remember why I feel like a wreck some of the time."

i've been searching for this post lately. authentic. in my browsings i've seen how FAR i've come this past year. in adjusting to life in SF, to LIKING my job (rather than pure dread), to seeing God, to social joy/edification, gratefulness, independence, ... How grateful i feel! much is due to my incredible CG and the familial support they are in my life. What a rich blessing!

"had a thought that happened before i checked it while gazing at the bright sky merging with that vast indigo ocean:

"the same God who made that [sunset] killed will"

will lives but estimated approximate 2 mo left and God is allowing it-- in my mind He already has killed will. hmm. how wrong, but here i am."

how long it's taken me to come to grips with what happened to Will. How willing he and Ruth were to sit with Jesus on the bathroom floor of this darkness, while I was banging down the door for Him to let us out.

"I don't care who comes to the Lord because of this, what God wants to teach us because of it, I just want will to LIVE. I know this is wrong, and selfish, but it's what i feel".

It's taken me a long time