seek understanding

i need more data. what truths are generally applicable and which are individual-unique?  boggled

Their beauty carved out of absolutes that you could never claim, or even envision

weird tones to my dreams today.  holes in the house that Christi attributed to mice.  house-hunting and beauty.  dudes and glory.  tree branches and coworkers. after a night shift. a crowded, dirty bathroom, commodes stacked, showers slept through... trips taken.  Noel working dayshift at this place after he worked with us all night.  Cuz was there.

you're just a piece of the puzzle son, so you better find your place

insight via g-chat with a friend
him:Once I enumerate all the things I want in a woman, I' ve done priced myself out of the market. :-D me: yeah. that's the problem with you "discriminate" guys:) him: Hrm. Out of all the women I've met in the past 3 years, I think I"ve only been really attracted to like 3. And I get out a lot. him: It usually takes a while before I figure out if I'm intoa woman. . So it all works out. :-) me: or doesn't all work out! oh well. him: It is what it is. me: that's it.3:51 PM and it's all kind of a mystery to me:) him: Heh. One thing I learned is that girls like it when you're kind of an asshole to them and project the bad boy thing. me: hmm. unfortunately a lot of girls do. it's so i dunno, counterproductive? or something3:56 PM i dunno. it's swagger, but it's not heart.3:57 PM him: I got the swagger. me: hahaha right. but isn't there a softer side too? ok not soft. but... something!3:58 PM him: Well, when they figure out there isn't, you're kind of bored with them anyways. ;-) me: what? you're bored with the girls?3:59 PM him: I don't generally date people for more than about 9 months. me: you lose interest? him: Generally. I'm fickle like that.

I dream in my sleep, I dream in my days...

one day last week that Sue was my/mom's patient and she was giving handoff to me in RN report; that Julie said no to Sudan and I cried, realizing it meant I had to choose between the trip and my job; that the Kings Of Leon had an impromptu 2 song performance at an outdoor stage at Bellevue Middle, and we just happened to be there.

I could tell you the truth like I used to and not be afraid of sounding fake

difficulty believing God is good: 2 friends died young and tragically

concept of thinking that I said/discussed something with someone b/c i went over it so much in my head. realizing I didn't say it. what was Anna's statement along these lines about guys with poor communication skills?

music and the people I love make my heart swell/overflow. also nature/exercise. make me feel God's love. so i need to do these. I want to (eventually) write songs. Need to learn piano and keep singing.

so many great 30+ yr old singles in this town-- why aren't they getting married? am I dooomed the same fate if i stay here? i don't think so--"'Cause I don't know what tomorrow brings.
It is alive with such possibilities." I carry a twinge of excitement and hope. I don't think I'm "doomed" but I have no idea-- I feel so invested here and would adore staying-- yet I could sort of (though sadly) see dropping/changing it all (sudan??) --- then the 30% happened and I realized I need to keep my job to help them

i have a lot of love in my heart/great affection for my guy friends. our discussion of the greatness having a sister has on the making of a guy...

realized lives may depend on my being sharp, well-rested at work... scary mistakes can happen

We have a problem with no solution but to love and to be loved

though church and kickball were great, the shadow of work loomed, and overall sunday was a little tough. there's an element of disappointment. hoping in God alone is my ever-present lesson. by monday morning i was a wreck. wanted to bike and enjoy the day, felt frustrated by circumstance, exhaustion, the same ole.... then i went and napped/read in the sunshine in GGP. talked to mom and Grandma from my blanket of sunshine. went running in the glorious rays with DLo, came home to shower, have a turkey/pear/brie wrap and watch Kdrama with JH. Mindy popped in, too. And there was a Mel interlude made of cell phone and facebook video chatting. It was a day in which, despite my inability to force life/circumstances to be something other than what they are, I ended up feeling very thankful, very blessed, at peace. A day in which I appreciated living in SF. This is why I live here, I thought. Good friends, beautiful scenery, good food, cultural diversity, randomly awesome weather.....

The picture's far to big to look at kid, your eyes won't open wide enough

and sometimes you don't see that which is right in front of you

but i am not a detail person. give me the big picture any day.

incorrigible

The picture is far too big to look at kid. Your eyes won't open wide enough
and you're constantly surrounded by that swirling stream of what is and what was.
Well, we've all made our predictions but the truth still isn't out.
But if you wanna see the future, go stare into a cloud.
And keep trying to find your way out of that maze of memories.
It all sort of looks familiar, until you get up close and it's different. clearly.
But each time you turn a corner, you're, you're right back where you were
and your only hope is that forgetting might make a door appear.
Well is it your fear of being buried that makes you so afraid to speak?
An avalanche of opinions like the one that feel that I am now underneath.
It was my voice that moved the first rock and I would do it all again.
So, I mean, it's cool if you keep quiet, but I like singing.
So I'll be holding my note and stomping and strumming and feeling so very lucky.
There is nothing I know except this lifetime's one moment
and wishing will just leave me empty.
So you can try and live in darkness but you will never shake the light.
It will greet you every morning
and it will make you more aware with its absence at night,
when you're wrapped up in your blankets baby, that comfortable cocoon.
But I have seen the day of your awakening boy and it's coming soon.
So go ahead and loose yourself in liquor and you can praise the clouded mind
but it isn't what you're thinking no, it's the course of history, your position in line.
You're just a piece of the puzzle so I think you'd better find your place.
And don't go blaming your knowledge on some fruit you ate.
Cause there's been a great deal of discussion, yes, about the properties of man.
Animal or angel? You were carved from bone, but your heart it's just sand.
And the wind is going to scatter it and cover everything with love.
So if it makes you happy, then keep kneeling Mama, but I am standing up.
Because this veil, it has been lifted. Yes, my eyes are wet with clarity.
I've been a witness of such wonders. Oh, I've searched for them all across this country
but I think I'll be returning now to the town where I was born.
And I understand you must keep moving friend, but I am heading home.
Yeah I'm gonna follow the road and let the scenery sweeping by easily enter my body.
And I'll send you all this message in code, under ground, over mountains,
through forests, deserts and cities.
All across the electric wire, it's a baited line. The hook is in deep boys,
there is no more time. So you can struggle in the water and be too stubborn to die,
or you could just let go and be lifted to the sky

.

-Big Picture, Bright Eyes

do you realize that you have the most beautiful face... that everyone you know someday will die?

working nights makes me feel fragile
scarcely feel like myself anymore after 3 weeks of this
honestly
makes me feel burdened, nagging sorrow of the unfulfilled
chronic sleep deprivation toys with your emotions/hormones/intellect
"except we keep coming back to this meaning that i lack"
underwhelming fullness
all eggs in any basket
flaker in red
long lost was hurried, a bit withdrawn/sad
will be glad to be no longer nocturnal