i've been a fool

i've been naive
i've been idealistic

and then real life comes and knocks you upside the head
or flat on your a**
and i've made mistakes

and i know I've lived and striven for all the wrong things
and i know I can attain none of them
and that life's not about these anyhow

so tonight i just danced
i had so much fun
i stopped caring what people thought
(and i wasn't drunk)
and i tried to include the newcomers
and people's friends
and make sure everyone had fun

i lose sight of this and start trying to build up myself
so often

but i recall that this is where it's at.

live for others and trust God
God forgive me
change me
make me new and whole again

help me trust and follow


I want to be someone who is gracious
above all other things

so that those with whom i come in contact
will breathe a breath of fresh air
of heavenly grace
of comfort and peace and forgiveness
for them to be reassured and loved

for them to experience God's goodness
his graciousness in me

forgive me God for wanting my own glory
use me to point people to your great love

and i am SO blessed to have such wonderful friends
who LOVE me, even though i've been a basket case
and a very selfish one, at that

1 Corinthians 13:4-12

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails.But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

self-admonishment

sometimes feeling so despondent
so hopeless
so much like the future is a grey cloud
shrouded in mystery, uncertainty, and no promise of sun
no evidence for optimism

but GOD

and so I hope upon hope
and believe though i see no light
i wait expectantly for what He bestows

and remember

you keep pressing
you keep believing
you stay faithful
you obey and do what's right
even if you see no results
and trust that God will bring
a brighter tomorrow

that's what faith is
unseen things
are what i hope in

i cannot see the wind
but i feel it

i do not see God
but He is all I have

even when it's my prayers
"echoing through empty halls"
and my dreams dying,
stranded on the sandy shores of time
passing
slipping
fading

when the remnants of my regrets
pile around me
weighting me to the ocean floor
when i feel swallowed
by my own sin
when my heart
and my enemy
team up
to condemn and cry out against me
when i KNOW that I deserve
nothing
and can only fathom despair


I recall
and I trust
and I hope
against all hope.