my mind races with all my longings but can't keep up with what i got

It's not true that i'm always thinking of _. work and conversation make that impossible. but the times when i'm not are perhaps my worst. for then, thought i have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vague sense of wrongness, of something amiss. like in those dreams where nothing terrible occurs-- nothing that would sound even remarkable if you told it at breakfast time-- but the atmosphere, the taste of the whole thing is deadly. so with this. i see the rowan berries reddening and don't know for a moment why they of all things should be depressing. i hear a clock strike and some quality it always had before has gone out of the sound. what's wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn out looking. then i remember. this is one of the things i'm afraid of. the agonies, the mad midnight moments, must in the course of nature, fade away. but what will follow? just this apathy, this dead flatness? will there come a time when i no longer ask why the world is like a mean street, because i shall take the squalor as normal? does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?


C.S.Lewis

feelings and feelings and feelings let me try thinking instead

CS Lewis

come what can do we gain by evasions? we are under the harrow and can't escape. reality, looked at steadily is unbearable. and how or why did such a reality blossom (or fester) here and there into the terrible phenomenon called consciousness? and why did it produce things like us what can see it and seeing it recoil in loathing? who (stranger still) want to see it and take pains to find it out, even when no need compels them and even thought the sight of it makes an incurable ulcer in their hearts? people like _ who would have truth at any price.

ps. am really thankful for melis. and to be on her page. long been older than her age in all the best ways. why has space an time kept us from proximity?

a most arid and chilling idea

and more than once that impression which i can't describe except by saying that it's like the sound of a chuckle in the darkness. the sense that some shattering and disarming simplicity is the real answer .. the notions will all be knocked from under out feet. we shall see that there never was any problem


the power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted


round and round. everything repeats. am i going in circles or dare i hope i am on a spiral? but if a spiral, am i going up or down it? how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty...

the tortures occur. if they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. for not even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't.


one passes into tears and pathos. maudlin tears. i almost prefer the moments of agony. these are at least clean and honest. but the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging it-- that disgusts me

you should fly in town for it next year

mel made my day when she said

i just need someone here that's on the same page, just toolin around...

and i felt like the popular kid just invited me over

in reply to "do you like it better there or here"

You know, I absolutely love San Francisco. It is a beautiful, unique, fun place and I can't imagine anyone not loving it. It's never too cold or too hot, there's always a ton of stuff to do, and the diversity makes life constantly interesting (if not also challenging!). And the ocean, ugh, I love living by the ocean. It's so powerful and constant and yet ever changing. The cold, vast Pacific. What can I say? If i could just magically teleport all of my family and friends from back home, it would be perfect. But my people mean so much to me, and of course i miss them like crazy. And because of that, while my family is still in Nashville, it will always be home, you know? It's certainly a more practical place for families. So who knows how long I will stay. I love it, but it's not like I'll never come back home. And who knows what God has in store.

eternal sunshine
sing it beck
and could anybody fall in love with me?

how happy is the blameless vestal's lot, the world forgetting by the world forgot- eternal sushine of the spotless mind, each prayer accepted each wish resigned. alexander pope

i fall in love a thousand times a day with people images objects feelings places

connect

i'm always looking for someone who can understand my deep mix of sorrow and sadness at this royally messed up world with a childlike joy for "everything" in this life. I am probably just overly egocentric, but i feel like no one really gets me in this way. not really. i feel these both very strongly. very purely, and i think very rightly. yet they contradict insufferably.

Lord, i'm having trouble seeing the bright side right now, or being passionate

or excited about stuff. my joy is ever bittersweet. and so bitter. and worried and stressful. i feel sad all the time deep down. i feel lonely, so lonely and a little scared. a little like the world is not building up, though yes we are in a cave. but it feels like a very dark, very deep, very permanent, very real cave. like this is the truth, i only thought all along that this world was a half good-half bad place (not in quantity but overall quality). and now i see that it's really moslty bad and sad and mad and dying. and dying and dying and hurting and suffering and dying. sounds way morbid than i feel, but i do feel sad. kinda hollow and disappointed. what a letdown. what a broken world. SOOO much more truly intensely and certainly than i ever previously understood up unitl this point. i knew that we are spiritually broken, but i forgot how very very physically broken and chaotic it all is. feels like the endless sea of pain and sorrow that i covered so long with a blanket of denial and happiness. not that there cannot come a time for this again or that i will live forever in darkness, but nevertheless, the world will never be the same. the universe had a cosmic shift two fridays ago, not even two weeks ago wednesday it hit a breakneck twist and i've been twirling plummeting ever since. nothing looks the same. not that i cant forget and enjoy, but its always there if i let it be. fill me up Lord. restore.

aaaaaawwww "stop saying that, it's boring!!"

zoo. OH mel, a moment that missed you, when san fran was quietly calling your name at dusk. Sunday night, streets are deserted save a few homeless rummagers and frantic cars rushing home for the fast approaching work week, around 8-8:30ish, just a little more daylight before dark closes in, while all is still very visible. i bike down the great highway, a foggy gloomy kinda evening white waves crashing on brown sand and the light mist over me. where i usually turn around i turn left, on taraval, away from the ocean, and soon on my right is the sf zoo. i've yet to go there but must. i hear dead silence, all is deserted, later i hear chimps and a peacock rich in shiny blue green in the twilight crossing my path, escaped the zoo, i bike it's circumference, big, deserted, dead and old. dead end street with employee entrance and poor houses. the smell of fragrant exotic orange and yellow flowers vining their way up the metal gate by the twisted jungle trees in the parking lot corner of the empty zoo. it was lovely and spare and quiet. mystery and run down nothingness. strange place and time, didn't feel like sf, didn't feel like anywhere, but a dream. it was lovely. had a snake been crawling up a tree would it have been your perfect bike ride.

truth is stranger than fiction

and more tragic

and more interesting

cried tonight

watching

discovery's

tsunami.

little sri lankan boy. man whose kids died. video footage. they don't have the technology and consequent warning. makes me detest our prosperity (and greed more importantly). sick. and since 2 weeks life never will be the same. all is changing. it's hard to continue or care. don't want the struggly near slow changes that are reality. but extreme dynamic. drop all and move to developing world. am distraught and pissed at life. i don't understand it. why. God why. and why. how is suffering beneficial, or worth it. remotely worth it.

i love dusk

and my neighborhood, deserted zoo, fragrant orange wall flowers, twisted trees, fog and the surf, taking to dad, bike with flower helmet, music the quiet of sunday eve no one but the homelss rummagers out and some distant walkers and silent bars, frantic drivers and surfers departing the beach.

IVs beeping in my sleep

except not even in my sleep but in the shower.