in living color

at times i don't hear past the music in my head

it bubbles up from within
"bealls'll be singin"

incorrigible

Sing me a song, you can be
Tell me a tale, just like me
Don't turn it my way, Happy and free
I'll turn it to shit, Happy and free

Oh ooh

All that I do is wait for you
All that I do is wait for you
I can't get along with all your friends
Don't know how to act
That's all there is
Why do I accept the things you say?
You know what to change
But not in what way
How long must I wait?
How long must I wait?
How long must I wait?
How long must I wait?
How long must I wait?

I am not you, we could have
I'm almost through, great success
It's about time, such a success
That you came through, at no expense

Oh ooh
Sing me a song, you can be
Tell me a tale, just like me
Don't turn it my way, Happy and free
I'll turn it to shit, Happy and free

Oh ooh

All that I do is wait for you
All that I do is wait for you
I can't get away from all your friends
I'm not coming back
That's all there is
Why do I accept the things you say?
You know what to change
But not in what way
How long must I wait?
How long must I wait?
How long must I wait?
How long must I wait?
How long must I wait?

(The Strokes)

All is full of love

coworker compliments/vibes. liking when I'm in chg. being more glad about me than others. then there's the banter with my managers that never has happened before. i haven't felt this exact way since H&P II when Dr. Masen asked me to be a TA. Like i was at the top (not the top, but upper tier) "of my field". silly and lame, but it's a feeling of job/life approval/recognition i haven't felt to this extent in like 5 years. and not that it's all lucky/easy/free from here, but at any rate, it feels good, right now. i feel like I'm good at what i do, respected; still as stressed and humble, but recognized. it feels like grace (though call it what you will) to be praised when you feel that you are flailing. to have people like you when you fear so much the new responsibility/authority will make them just the opposite. i dunno. it's good. and long before this end-of-day epiphany hit, this morning when all was only tumultuous and tense, i realized that i have a more holistic sense of self these days. how much more confident (even sexy?) i feel. how feeling good about myself (here i go again with the mega cheese) is so much more than physical appearance, comes from within, etc. these days i feel more whole, more skinny, not that i am, but feel it on the inside. the way i live is thin/healthy/full/crisp compared to the cloyed, saturated, stifled way i used to operate. it has little to do with eating habits but so much to do with the overall healthy way i live, emotionally. I live in community in a way I never have before. A non-immediate family community that is so healthy and full. It feels rich and clean at once. I no longer live under compulsion to be/do/achieve/validate myself. It's free. It works. Discussing with Alyson how I used to be "type A" like her in college, but that I was stressed and miserable as such. How she thrives on and enjoys organization and planning, unlike me. For me it was contrived and I actually feel better living la vida loca. It's just one of those things. Jenny saying how she tried to suppress the real her to be a docile, sugar-sweet church lady. Ultra cheese continues here, but it has to do with knowing and appreciating who you are, who God's made you to be. And it's a beautiful thing. He said it Himself: It is good.

you try to reason but it does not show so if you love me won't you let me know

how long will this go on, how long could this go on?
traveling up my spine and down my neck and oh girl make me forget
that i'm giving and you just get lit up like a mage with make-up