All is full of love

coworker compliments/vibes. liking when I'm in chg. being more glad about me than others. then there's the banter with my managers that never has happened before. i haven't felt this exact way since H&P II when Dr. Masen asked me to be a TA. Like i was at the top (not the top, but upper tier) "of my field". silly and lame, but it's a feeling of job/life approval/recognition i haven't felt to this extent in like 5 years. and not that it's all lucky/easy/free from here, but at any rate, it feels good, right now. i feel like I'm good at what i do, respected; still as stressed and humble, but recognized. it feels like grace (though call it what you will) to be praised when you feel that you are flailing. to have people like you when you fear so much the new responsibility/authority will make them just the opposite. i dunno. it's good. and long before this end-of-day epiphany hit, this morning when all was only tumultuous and tense, i realized that i have a more holistic sense of self these days. how much more confident (even sexy?) i feel. how feeling good about myself (here i go again with the mega cheese) is so much more than physical appearance, comes from within, etc. these days i feel more whole, more skinny, not that i am, but feel it on the inside. the way i live is thin/healthy/full/crisp compared to the cloyed, saturated, stifled way i used to operate. it has little to do with eating habits but so much to do with the overall healthy way i live, emotionally. I live in community in a way I never have before. A non-immediate family community that is so healthy and full. It feels rich and clean at once. I no longer live under compulsion to be/do/achieve/validate myself. It's free. It works. Discussing with Alyson how I used to be "type A" like her in college, but that I was stressed and miserable as such. How she thrives on and enjoys organization and planning, unlike me. For me it was contrived and I actually feel better living la vida loca. It's just one of those things. Jenny saying how she tried to suppress the real her to be a docile, sugar-sweet church lady. Ultra cheese continues here, but it has to do with knowing and appreciating who you are, who God's made you to be. And it's a beautiful thing. He said it Himself: It is good.