Made alive with laughter: 2005-05-29

my girls

All these were stated this week to my hilarity and bliss, in no particular order and specifically NOT in the same converstations:

1.
Char: mom, do you like ---?
Mom: If it doesn't eat me, I'll eat it. That's pretty much how I am.

2.
Me: I promise it's worth it, it doesn't have to be chocolate to be good.
Char: I don't even like it if it's not brown. (this one applies to more than deserts, or even food)

3.
Char: it's a little bit out there, a little bit psychedelic.
Melis: Are you kidding? Psychedelic is my middle name.

sweet

life and nothingness

college went so fast, but it was also, like, my whole life, like vivid; I don't even remeber what life was like or who I was or having self-awareness before it.

Beck's sea change. Just got a DVD of the videos. He's an artist in every way possible. And I first listened to this album during a time of grieving, sadness and difficulty in my life. Kinda like me and Beck hit a time of crisis at once. So it stuck.

The Strokes,

"I've lost my page again, I know this is so rare but I'll try my luck with you. This life is on my side..Believe me this is a change oh, oh."

LOVE this song (may not be the correct lyrics howev).

more on Dostoyevsky... and other reflections

INCREDIBLE

"Raskolinikov had been very dreamy for a few days before.... through melancholy and fanatacism... felt as though something had fallen on him and was stifling him... Mere existence had always been too little for him; he had always wanted more. Perhaps it was just because of the strength of his desires that he had thought himself a man to whom more was permissible than others.... Tears and agonies would at least have been life. But he did not repent of his crime... dead weight of instinct...But it was too tiresome and unbearable to go on thinking and thinking about this. When he was alone, he had not gone twenty paces before he sank, as usual, into deep thought.... a thick milky mist hung over the town....It was a dark and stifling evening. Threatening stormclouds came over the sky about ten o'clock. There was a clap of thunder, and the rain came down like a waterfall. The water fell not in drops, but beat on the earth in streams. There were flashes of lightning every minute and each flash lasted while one could count five....A strange smile contorted his face, a pitiful, sad, weak smile, a smile of despair.....There too probably there were tea tables and singing in the daytime. Now drops of rain flew in at the window from the trees and bushes; it was dark as in a cellar so that he could only just make out some dark blurs of objects... Now he's too eager for life...He was not thinking of anything and did not want to think. But one image rose after another in coherent scraps of thought without beginning or end passed through his mind. He sank into drowsiness. Perhaps the cold, or the dampness or the dark, or the wind that howled under the window and tossed the trees roused a sort of persistent craving for the fantastic... There are few places where there are so many gloomy, strong and queer influences on the soul of a man as in Petersburg."

yeah, how much I would've died to go to St. Petersburg last summer when I was a 4 hour train ride away in Finland. But alas, one day.

I connect to this so much; it's hard to explain. this book hits so many crucial themes in my life, it's unreal. Like life-- lots of heavy darkness with periods of intense super-aliveness and transcendence. beautiful, moving, bound and tied, self-destructive coping mechanisms, addiction, faith, vices. truth is almost always stranger than fiction.

What a novel

Oh, so I finally finished Crime and Punishment and LOVED it. Psychological themes. An intelligent, half mad, deeply intense, passionate, philosophical young Russian as the protagonist murderer. Haunting poignant description and detailed imagery with a unique and stark word choice made for a strikingly fabulous book. I want to read it again, right now. If only there was time. But I will read it again.