so long ago, and yet, is it not still summer?

dreamt of great white sharks

last night. i often do when i feel a sense of impending doom about my life's circumstances. it's been like that lately. last night, whew, that was rough. and then tonight leaving the hospital, as usual, in a delirious state of stupor, where I do ridiculously dangerous and reckless things out of total lack of sensible rational thought. there was something about the singing of that lady in the bathroom stall next to me (had it been a few notes flatter would have been devilishly creepy), then the sudden realization that the soap bottles were missing from all three dispensers, and then the black hand coming over the stall door. not brown, black, and it suddenly felt like a horror movie come to life. shaken off ok, but yet strange nevertheless. and then the shark dream, {shudder}. dad dreams of sharks during stressful times too. only occasionally do i dream happy things. on another note, i notice boys (i mean boys not guys) staring at me on the train. it makes me chuckle. i'm not sure why they stare, but i like it. because it reminds me of mel. and brother. so odd. how can it be nearly december today. just enough, mar, just enough. to scrape by. to not die, to not yet lose my marbles. somewhere on the periphery. so near to the edge, but never there. just enough.

summer last

see my pics and realize the people in my life kick ass, and i never cuss

fam this summer

how do you make yourself faster?

beats me, anybody?

aesthetics in everything

i like when my food looks like holidays. tonight was christmas. and i don't mean the foods typically had on that holiday. it's more about colors and feelings.

tomorrow's going to be better

"working on my fwd thinking ... self controll. process this ugly mess figure out how to make it whole..." the hardest day yet. choking back tears and humiliation. deep sighs and frustrated thoughts. " some days i acutally forget that this is really something. one look from you and this is really something good..." beckian green and feeling so very inadequate and ugly and embarrassed. "go change the oil go get the taillight fixed go buy some groceries in the dark earth shakes gets rearranged and i realize i missed the mark... being hard is hard so sick of it and this is really something good."

then a few kind words from chan and chemo pts and it makes a difference. Then Lyds tells me she's "veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy excited for you coming in on dec 29... write me back sissy girl. I love you."

and I start SOBBING uncontrollably. Because I 'm so tired and SO stressed and I just want to be at home for the holidays..... That's it. I just want to be at home.