tomorrow's going to be better

"working on my fwd thinking ... self controll. process this ugly mess figure out how to make it whole..." the hardest day yet. choking back tears and humiliation. deep sighs and frustrated thoughts. " some days i acutally forget that this is really something. one look from you and this is really something good..." beckian green and feeling so very inadequate and ugly and embarrassed. "go change the oil go get the taillight fixed go buy some groceries in the dark earth shakes gets rearranged and i realize i missed the mark... being hard is hard so sick of it and this is really something good."

then a few kind words from chan and chemo pts and it makes a difference. Then Lyds tells me she's "veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy excited for you coming in on dec 29... write me back sissy girl. I love you."

and I start SOBBING uncontrollably. Because I 'm so tired and SO stressed and I just want to be at home for the holidays..... That's it. I just want to be at home.