dreamt of great white sharks

last night. i often do when i feel a sense of impending doom about my life's circumstances. it's been like that lately. last night, whew, that was rough. and then tonight leaving the hospital, as usual, in a delirious state of stupor, where I do ridiculously dangerous and reckless things out of total lack of sensible rational thought. there was something about the singing of that lady in the bathroom stall next to me (had it been a few notes flatter would have been devilishly creepy), then the sudden realization that the soap bottles were missing from all three dispensers, and then the black hand coming over the stall door. not brown, black, and it suddenly felt like a horror movie come to life. shaken off ok, but yet strange nevertheless. and then the shark dream, {shudder}. dad dreams of sharks during stressful times too. only occasionally do i dream happy things. on another note, i notice boys (i mean boys not guys) staring at me on the train. it makes me chuckle. i'm not sure why they stare, but i like it. because it reminds me of mel. and brother. so odd. how can it be nearly december today. just enough, mar, just enough. to scrape by. to not die, to not yet lose my marbles. somewhere on the periphery. so near to the edge, but never there. just enough.