in a sea change nothing is safe

fear, change, winds of change blowing through.
venting to coworker/friends about all that has happened and how betrayed and personally wronged I feel.
lack of sleep feels like being drunk constantly.
emotional rollercoaster.

so i wanna get myself attached to something bolted down.
so these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around.

jesus wept

Lazarus

where were you????????????? you had the power, but where were you???????


just b/c he knows what will happen doesn't mean he doesn't care about what has happened in your life


anger in these tears at death wreaking havoc on all it touches

clocks they chime; now it's time

i guess soon you will be leaving...

i got permanent nights

i've been looking online for RNs needed overseas in Africa/Asia

i love my life here. this week has been the best of times and the worst of times. i'm a wreck. i don't want to leave this. but i think i have to. as serene said "i think i don't have a choice".

so you split said you had to get out heading back to the south where everything's gentle
i stayed just a couple weeks more all the weather reports said there'll be snow for sure...

time flies away down a clean interstate
i'm staring drunk at a map

dreamed of a cycling date with smiley guy. nervously happy.

how to chronicle such a day or two?

and the sleeplessness of the past several days is akin to being perpetually drunk, thus memories escape me......after a nearly sleepless night and devastating staff mtg news and time destroyed, a dinner with friends, a cake, Korean practiced, photos taken, feeling appreciated... rockit room show with b-day shout out/ participation, quickly cake sharing and candle made song sung by kai, coit tower with dlo and the band, then convinced to go to hayward to scope an incredible view and hang. sharing the master bed with deanna, waking up to the kai effect post office and breakfast run then a hike down to the gorgeous lookout and photos (camera sooo dead) and video. laughing so much. then trying to leave around 1pm but then nate starts playing that grand piano in the living room with wood floors, high ceilings, and sound reverberating straight through my soul. if i ever had a weakness it was for this. weighted to my seat in ecstasy:) getting home at 3pm and leaving at 6 for hot pot for drew's b-day
so exhausted, sassssy one says to my photos; knowing certain friends like me and even are attracted on a subconscious level, but wondering if it could ever translate to something more...

fear not

Exodus 14:10-14 

 ¹⁰ As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. ¹¹ They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? ¹² Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"

 ¹³ Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. ¹⁴ The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

not courage, self-confidence, self-reliance, but closeness to the Father

Romans 8:15 

¹⁵For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.^a]">[a] And by him we cry, "Abba,^b]">[b] Father."

He's with us, He's with us, He's with us

Deuteronomy 31:6 

⁶ Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Isaiah 7:9 

 ⁹ 
       If you do not stand firm in your faith,
       you will not stand at all.' "

our job is simply to believe 

Psalm 46:10  Be still

He is mighty to save

Zephaniah 3:17

¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
       he is mighty to save.
       He will take great delight in you,
       he will quiet you with his love,
       he will rejoice over you with singing."

be not afraid

stand firm

be still

he will fight for you

surreal few days

so much fun

so exhausted

so perplexed

celebrating and having a freaking blast.

some burdens overshadow

need for sleep is utter

hayward, rockit room, korean and chinese dining, centervol, seeing a lot of cute

late night calls from the band, my new buddies
so freakin fun
the after after after after party

i completed that race (and kicked its butt)

so i'm pretty sure that mind over matter is true, that i gained strength i did not have, that i can certainly do anything (cause i've never worked so hard at anything in my life and succeeded brilliantly), and hope to gain many more insights upon reflection. JH and I concluded that if I become a better biker, I can quit my day job and become a full-time triathlete;) no longer are we TRY-athletes (says ron, lol), lost my will to live out there (says chris), JH went from zero to hero in no time (says me about her swimming). we had a hella fun weekend. that was the hardest thing i have ever done. for 3hrs and 45 min i was miserable, but then it's over and the endorphins combine with a fog-inducing exhaustion that precludes all memory of suffering some 24 hrs later. i recall being too tired to eat or move. today i am sore, starving, thirsty, sunburned, and dazed. but i did it and i am HELLA proud:) want to train harder for next year and beat my time!!!!!


good time to reflect over the weekend. am grateful. visited a friend's mom in the LSU after work, responses to my birthday dinner ( 1 night before) overwhelm me with gratitude. i feel SO loved and so thankful. i am a mess, but God is WAY too good.