i'll be the one who leaves you high high high....

tenderness

from and old grouch and how much I love old people. and they like me too:)

the moon tonight and the clear stars and the California hills forming but a dark strong sillouette against that murky periwinkle or was it indigo sky. indigo. with ashy smokey periwinkle colored fog that lingers above those hills like it's scared to leave the comfort of those sharp and yet gentle curves. with the sparkling stars and a moon that truly produces light. light by which i can see. and dance. and sing. and imagine. and look for that broom to sweep the kitchen. like despite the fog the sky is clearer than i've ever seen. and to see a dozen deer right there, feet away, frozen in that cold moonlight.

my fortune cookie tonight. my favorite shoes and how they make me feel like dancing. beginning to feel comfortable. like I'm in perhaps the best place I've ever been. not geography, though... no but me. I am in the most touch with God and what He's doing in my life personally that I've been in awhile. I've been so challenged, and I've been so changed--ever since I got here. It's not been easy, nor will it be, but I'm so excited. about building a life here, who I may meet in such a city, how I'll become a nurse here and how I'm ready for those adventures.

i've been kicking my fears and defeats lately in exponential ways. do i still suck and have a long way to go? duh. but it's going to be OK. really, it all is. New Orleans, cancer, and beleive me these touch personally. Whatever the heck it is, it's going to be OK. why? because life goes on, because God is eternal, because we don't matter. and yet we do to God and that is why it's going to be OK. that is why 'hope springs eternal'. that's not wishy wash humanistic optimism or fishy blind faith. that's truth, and I've seen it. there are no lost causes. i've seen more than one back on their feet, and that includes me. lost but for Him. alive because He lives and the future is not so bleak in light of that. will i screw my life up? every day at least in one way. but who cares. God is there to forgive, pick up the pieces and put them right. make something better out of them.

yet I pray for grace each day that I may not hurt others in my frailties and faults.

go buy some groceries in the dark

i'm working on my forward thinking; working on my self-control. process this ugly mess, figure out how to make it whole. choke down a bus ride to the city, chase it down with a trip to the east side; seems like over time I'll get so numb that I won't mind. sometimes I actually forget that this is really something, one look at you and that is it, and this is really something, being hard is hard so sick of it, and this is really something good. go change the oil go get the tailight fixed, go buy some groceries in the dark, earth shakes gets rearranged and I realize I missed the mark. sometimes I actually forget that this is really something, one smile from you and that is it and this is really something, being hard is hard so sick of it and this is really something good, this is really something good now.

aaron sprinkle

"sometimes the unexplained can define you.." the above song resonates with me right now on so many levels. I can't explain it. But it really fits the mood of the moment. Wandering the streets of San Francisco on a dreary day perusing old apartments and endless streets, and everything going on in my head right now. it's all the exteriors and the interior progression that meld into one feeling and this song. right on.

rather feel the pain all too familiar

"I built another temple to a stranger… set my course to run right into danger, sought the company of fools instead of friends… try to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading. For solace in the shift of the sinking sand. I’d rather feel the pain all too familiar than be broken by a lover I don’t understand, cause I don’t understand, you know I’ve been unfaithful, lovers in lines, while you’re turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind—I chose the gallows to the aisle, thought that love would never find, hanging ropes will never keep you and your love of a jealous kind.. if I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace and love that shames the wise, betrays the heart’s deceit and lies and breaks the back of foolish pride."

jealous kind-jars of clay

in a year where there are so few

“Though my heart has been torn by the loves I have worn and I’m tempted by them ever still, I tremble inside when you walk in the room, you hold my affections and will… I’m only alive with you, I can't get by and I won’t get through." only alive jars of clay

sometimes the unexplained can define you

Nickel Creek lyrics. from the second album.

See the sunshine in your eyes, you try the things you’ve never tried, I’ll be the one who leaves you high high high

I sat down next to a photograph tried my best almost made her laugh she was my toughest crowd there in the way was a mountain up in the clouds, well I can’t sleep and I’m not in love, well I can’t speak without messing up, eyes tell of what’s behind, hers told of a long and a lonely climb, but the failure all proceeded cause you don’t see how far I’ve come and it’s you and me in the silent sea.. it seems to me no mystery.. movement is not mine stood in the way and its not me not my sanctity these aren’t my words to you, its all clear when its nothing here so clear so I’ll try not to speak

There’s a cold and darker side to the moonlight….hanging by a thread...sometimes the unexplained can define you, sometimes silence is the only sound

I’ll not leave my home again… and you dream in colors that have never been made you imagine songs that has never been played they will try to buy you and your mind but only the curious have something to find… truth is a bitter friend… left you cursing the day … there’s no path to follow… climb up the slide then you’ll slide down the stairs… feels like I’m home again… there’s no place to hide but I don’t think I’m scared

Powerless to leash the hands of time

Lonely the life which I led strange the paths on which we tread led me to you unlikely but true… clouding my view… Rainy the day the first time we met deep was the talk forever my debt it didn’t seem wrong to sing a sad song… early the morn you said your goodbye with a wave of your hand and a smile of your eye … I made the mistake you said not to make it’s hard to believe I could be so naïve, flattered but deceived


I’m in a room full of people hanging on one persons breath, we would all vote him most likely to be loved to death… I don’t know where it landed but I’m guessing between green and gray… All eyes upon him except those who mattered the most. He said green is the color that everyone sees around me, gray is the color I see around her, she’s just a blur. The more the crowd cheers the less I can hear and they don’t really care what I play, might be for her but for now it’s between green and gray… now we’re gone and to us it feels like it’s right, but for him everyone of those evenings turns into night with another hotel room where he lays awake to pretend he’s doing fine with his notebook and Discman for friends. he says green is the color that everyone sees all around me, gray is the color I see around her she’s just a blur. night after night while I hear what I write fills the room and my head starts to sway, might be for her but for now it’s between green and gray . I want you to love me he whispers unable to speak and he wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak then he awoke now he’s scared to death somebody heard, if it was you and you know her please don’t say a word

Truth is always stranger than fiction.

The typical Japanese now enjoys at least 75 years of relative good health, according to the World Health Organization. That exceeds by nearly six years the average for Americans -- who rank 23rd

yay

oasis in the nursing desert; constantly amazed at your goodness. I love you.
fly over there and attack her life size model of pillows
You'll go there and you'll like it. mowengo it's so surreal further human plight' then we could jam to anti tuusku together. ooweh ooweh . crapdangit. hey i've got an idea. run away to
>finland for an uncertain amount of time.
>to the unbelievable dimensions, sisser!!! . {smiles} flower children somber and observant Like an inside joke with yourself. It's emotional

tribute to

"melody-drenched. Beck himself says this is his favorite remix ever they brought out something bittersweet in it that was kinda hippyish, but it doesn't maim you with saccharine. It kinda gets you right in the chest I've seen your eyes
I know what you're thinking Your setting sun
Your broken drum
wide-eyed boy wonder The hipster in repose. who says you're not allowed to open the palate of imagery and wordsHis laugh is as infectious as his music. Get crazy with the Cheez Whiz. I can’t believe you!

"I always think of dreams as the garbage disposal of your experiences and your past and your hopes."

''I liked the idea of all these worlds happening, and you were a passenger, and the movie was revolving around you,'' he says. ''Suddenly there's a pantomime troupe and a giant fat lady telling everyone to eat. I wanted to make records like that, that surprised you and made you feel alive.
Beck acknowledges that he finds television too overwhelming to entertain because he wouldn’t be able to turn it off. He finds it all to interesting. Apocalyptic is unendingly interested. It believes hopes endures and looks everywhere eternally curious
a zombie fawn guided by a translucent face with sci-fi eyes
"Art is important,” Beck avers. “It’s just an integrity thing. “I mainly go to parties to dance,” he says, eyes brightening. . appears to be kind of spacy, but he’s supermotivated a funk song with a banjo in it before. There’s room for an emotional intensity and commitment but also a playful, absurd quality. Jealous minds walk in a line / And their faces jade the strain / Stranded in infinity rooms

Trees don't argue: when it gets all too much, a walk in the forest can clear a weary musical mind
When I see something beautiful it just leaps out at me. I'm not real passive about my environment. Maybe it's because I'm eternally curious. As much as I've seen, nothing's really passe yet Sometimes you'll see something great, and you'll get that rush. Whatever that is. All my music is, is a bunch of ideas transmitted into music.

That’s life you know. No multinational corporation can destroy that mechanism of the universe that’s chance…[they can’t] stump meeting somebody or stumbling onto something…or seeing a movie or reading a book that changes your life…or going on a trip where you meet the love of your life. That’s the plane where I make my music. I don’t try to make it fit into where the appropriate target audience is going to find it. Hopefully somebody finds it and likes it; otherwise ...
hauntingly poignant.... It's not that I'm using things to hide behind, but who says you're not allowed to open the palate of imagery and words? I don't understand who wrote these rules of what's acceptable and what's right. I hate that."

a day in the life

So I had the taurus and only radio early on a sunday morning, gorgeous sunrise as I crossed the bay bridge from oakland on my way home. THe sky was a chalky blue, almost purple with clouds nearly yellow. or were they another shade of blue. with pinks. The twilight blurs and blends all murky shades. So every station was sucking it up. No good music in sight. even the Christian radio I couldn't tolerate, and then....the Berkely radio station. sweet strangeness. sudenly submerged in much high music and some bizarre ones too. but all good.

"OOOHH, at least I got that right, hehehe." stoned San Fransiscan at work # 39

I love dreams

"Well I woke up in mid-afternoon, cause that’s when it all hurts the most. Dream i never know anyone a t the party and I’m always the host. If dreams are like movies then memories are films about ghosts. You can never escape you can only move south down the coast."

“being crazy is not being broken or swallowing a dark secret—it’s you and me amplified.” dreams and life are confused, and time can move backward and forward and you can’t control it

Homer] Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

amalgam

Been ever introspective but more in touch with negative feelings/sensations—a perpetual churning—though not getting me anywhere but gnawing a hole


move the body, feed the mind and lavishly indulge the sprit

Where there is breath there is hope


Don’t run, hide, escape. The faithful One delivers

Never cease to stand in awe

You have to live life and be sane, but you also have to work hard and get results.
I realize that higher self-esteem is essential to me, not only to succeed in getting back on the right track, but also to just function in life. Why can't we just FORGET the outsides, you know? This world is not home. I pray for grace and God’s deliverance

note to self

Don’t panic. You’re only 22 years old. There is grace yet for you.

sometimes I get tired of walking through these ordinary days

“Not much for conversation, I still find need to pray. Sometimes I get tired of walking through these ordinary days. if nothing else i get to see you even if we never speak of all the words and thoughts sometimes we don't know what they really mean… I don’t know where, I don’t know how, I don’t know why but your love can make these things better.. Let me lay down in this field and stare up at the sky. I hope the days and clouds turn into something as they pass us by. Maybe you could settle for a skyline faded blue. I hope that you might settle for this love I have for you” Jars of Clay-ordinary days

John 12:46 I have come into the world as a light so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.

John 14:19 Because I live, you also will live

With raindrops falling down the page and collecting in light puddles

I fell, pale and mild, pulled me down to him like gravity, I’m trying to meet you, you smell like moonlight, equilibrium, looked so sweet, I lost my page again, wasn’t my season, and early morning rain, grip, the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers, made you feel dirty, haunt my dreams, balance, something bad inside me went away, spent my days in the city, definitely maybe, so many lies are taking hold...there’s many scars.. it’s taken me a long time, if you would like to, your house and summertime, and it’s hard when you were working like you do, held to the past too aware of the pending, a girl like you

scribblings

life of consequence, purity of thought, transcendence, vegetables and white clarity, abundant super-aliveness, music makes me float/keeps me sane, too many fun things to do to sleep or study, you’re allergic to love- yes I know but I must say in my own defense

natural, not contrived—but who must I be then

a tired Friday In L.A.

All my profound thoughts from yesterday have been erased by sleep and sleepiness- thoughts I had, dreams wacky and wild, Disneyland-like of Ruth and I. Hiding in an old lopsided house in which one side was falling off the mountain, about driving stick shift and finding it wasn’t as hard as I had remembered. SIGH I need to . OH and then expectant Lynn and men doctors and insurance and hills and eerie happy music like at Disneyland and a dog…

the feeling

must keep my head. i want to withdraw into myself like a sea anenome-- pull into the black depth, the womblike dark warm place of not seeing or hearing or thinking. especially thinking. merely existing in a sleepy trancelike state of oblivion and unconciousness

sketchbook colors, like a dream recalled

there's me alone on a sick mountain top, oozing some red substance, all brown and puffy, glowing with shame and self-contempt, ringed by thorns, trapped on the bleeding, erupting, plump and round-- sharp lightning penetrating the smoggy sky to pierce my mountain of disgust and isolation, yet prominently shining and protruding for all to see-- all with their pink skies and puffy clouds- the normal below, unique in form and function, in style and stigma-- full of color and motion, while I quiver, illuminated far above in degradation-- they play, they jump, they frolic, they twist and dive. they live. I cower. I shake. inside I die. I am painfully apart and painfully aware-- they can see me and naturally they stare and they frolic and live for normal things- I'm jealous and alone- shivering, seething with hot shame-- meanwhile the storm rages and my foundations shake-- I wish I could melt into painful drowning in the muck rather than be known as such on my obtuse bad mountain.

from inside my sketchbook

haunting beautiful piano, swirls of flowers nature beauty art, laced with deep blues backs and gray, a sullen somber heavy feeling, like the end of a movie in which the main character(s) just died and you are frozen in shock and laden fear/despair, that all is dark heavy forlorn forgotten hopeless, that this is what the world's turned out to be

eternal sunshine

today was cold. gave me a deep chill I couldn't shake. felt like Christmas... or Thanksgiving, wrapped in a sweatshirt quietly making pear crisp and chicken casserole... at home... with a new mom. made me miss ahead of time the holidays I'm going to be absent for. made me sad. and cold. made me wonder why I'm here, why I left, why I'll stay. will I? I know there's growth here. but it feels cold, empty, lonely. kinda still. kinda stark. kinda damp. like this day.

we're all just coping

ever a deluge and then there's you
the waves of habit that prevent rising
can't perceive, beautiful, were all so attuned now so far gone does he know how nice is there another
I feel a dreary chill pervading all my pores in the pale moonlight-it struck me then, it struck me now, you strike me always
laid out, come off
disappearing all too quickly into forgettful oblivion
stagnant inner churning of depth

Fell

mmmmhmmm. the feeling of the moment. That friday of interviews at UC.
R: mmmm,mmm so many hot guys in this city
M: but are they straight, that's the problem.
R: who cares, does he like to make out?
purple biking shorts, cloth headbands, hamsters and rabits with same names when died. little bitx2 and MC/Munchie x a dozen:) Char
hippie flow skirts artsy clothing museums surfing pot on the beach. and so many cute cute gay men. what a sad waste of beauty:)

I LOVE the cool nights and bright stars out in Marin. Once I move to the city it may be a different climate. cold and foggy certainly.

"this is going to be crazy"

dang shmang. I've been here like 2 mo., just got a job which I won't start for yet a little while. But lots of adult/important independent decisions and growth happening. it's harder than I thought. actually i never thought about it. I just went. Because I had to. "it's when I know I have to get out cause I have been there before..." So yeaah. October 9 is the new job start. Before that will be a whirlwind visit home since I'll have 6 mo before benefits (vacation) kicks in. So cool. So thanks to cousin, been discovering Nickel Creek. O wow. How did I never know them. LOVE it. music.
So we've officially passed from hilarity to hysterics with the grandparents. RH cursing profusely when he places her suitcase standing square in the middle of the garage where we are pulling in. "well, just make a way through, that's what I always do." you drive your car we'll drive ours. smokin the chee ching chang. life happens between empty and full. the potty chair waiting for us when returning from LA. good grief. Blah, so much to say that's all for now.
Bliss listening to Nickel Creek. That's about it. Need to see I heart Huckabees again when I go home. The songs are haunting me. Wish a few scenes had been omitted from that film. Hm.