eternal sunshine

today was cold. gave me a deep chill I couldn't shake. felt like Christmas... or Thanksgiving, wrapped in a sweatshirt quietly making pear crisp and chicken casserole... at home... with a new mom. made me miss ahead of time the holidays I'm going to be absent for. made me sad. and cold. made me wonder why I'm here, why I left, why I'll stay. will I? I know there's growth here. but it feels cold, empty, lonely. kinda still. kinda stark. kinda damp. like this day.