all around a song of unholy loves

"so we searched this place for something to love.."


St. Augustine
At Carthage

i did not love, but i loved the thought of love. and in the depths of my desires i detested the fact that i could not love more. i looked for something to love in my love of loving... the reason was that inside me there was a famine of inward food. I was starving for You, my God. this was not the sort of famine in which i realized my hunger. indeed i lacked any longing for incorruptible sustenance, not because i had been filled with it, but because i was empty and loathed it. as a result my soul became feeble and full of sores. In misery my soul cast about, seeking sensual objects that could scratch where the pox itched. ... None of these things had a soul, so they could not be objects of love

"to be part of the mystery to love and to be loved let's just hope that is enough"

To love then and to be loved was sweet to me. But when i found someone i loved, i wanted only to posses and enjoy the body of the person i loved. i found a spring of friendship and polluted it with lascivious filth. i veiled the brightness of real love with a hell of foul, unseemly lust... so i fell head first into the love that i had so wanted to be captured by...i was loved and found a bond of joy; yet with that bond came chains of sorrow..

"see sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you with the fear that it eventually departs."

Even then your faithful mercy hovered over me, although i had withdrawn far from you...How i loved mine own ways and not Yours. How i preferred my vagabond freedom... Cicero taught me that every vain hope is worthless. Suddenly i burned with an intense desire to find wisdom that had eternal value. I began to stir myself to return to You....How my heart burned then.. For wisdom is found with You... O Truth, Truth! Inwardly the marrow of my soul panted for You..... Instead I was falling in love with deceptive fantasies of the imagination... These were like waking dreams, a fantasy of the material in which false images replaced the realities on earth and in the heavens... And You sent Your hand from above, and drew my soul out of that profound darkness.

i used to be as blue as the sky

a pure soul he called me
i feel like i used to be pure as crystal, as clear as a cloudless sky.
my faith used to be simple, too.
somewhere along the way i lost my page.
"i been lost for a long time"
i stopped trusting God lately.
i told JH I cannot wait another 10 yrs (for a family)
she said don't say it or it's gonna happen, lol!!
I said, too bad, I'm being honest with God, I CAN'T!
discussed the other things that have complicated my relationship with Him.
Will. Dre. crying out to God and receiving only silence.
prayers echoing through empty halls.
felt like praying to a stone wall.
why did Will keep getting sicker?
how i was flailing against him and making the wound worse by doing so.
that we have to wait patiently and obediently.
weep bitterly.
forgive me God.
how did i get so lost?

everyone must face their need

me: haha yeah no longer crossing paths:)
9:27 PM Christi(e): ahhhhh boys
dumb dumb dumb
me: lol
srsly
9:28 PM i don't get em.
christian guys move too slow
and non-christian guys move too fast, lol
9:29 PM Christi(e): HAHAHAH
so true
me: am i right??
frustrating:)
Christi(e): you're telling me :P

but what i did know was that I lived in a world that at any moment could erupt into fire.

p 34 glass castle

shattered, unhinged, delicate, fragile, hectic flush

because i have learned that nothing is as pressing
as the one who is pressing would like you to believe
and i am content to walk a little slower
because there is nowhere that i really need to be
i find that life is easier when it is just a blur
with no details to confuse who or what or where i was
so when the ending comes the full regret will seem obscure
but these are days we dream about when the sunlight paints us gold
and this apartment could not be prettier as we dance up there alone.
And this TV's old, the color's fucked, do you see the difference in the shades?
But the green's still close to green, my love, and I believe we are the same.
And we'll stay like this, all gold and green - light collects,
it projects your heart on a movie screen.
And if you close your eyes we will always be the way we were that night you crawled inside of me.

And you slept in my blood the way you sleep now,
the quietest hush has consumed this house.
And when the doctors have gone and you sweat through the bed
with the pictures and pills they piled around your head.
Well, just rest now and in a moment you'll know everything.
Was it all a dream?
It's too vague now to recount
And the outline of the one you loved in a life that was that no longer will be stands above you as you sleep.

time to reread some Dostoyevsky.
God help me.

and i'm still reeling

the past 8 days have been utterly surreal.
and my body needs care.
i am physically and emotionally spent.
somehow the tri and my birthday and this crazy work sh*t, and the sudan deadline all coincided in one fateful week.
i feel ambushed.
like i was just going along at life.
and then suddenly everything has changed and is changing before my eyes.
i feel lost, tossed, tumbling.
i feel hurt, betrayed, guilty, overwhelmed, and exhausted.
life used to be controllable, though pleasantly out of control.
somehow i've gone over that edge.
i don't feel myself.
i've been visibly down in front of friends, obviously grouchy to coworkers, and carried a blank stare around when walking these streets.
i don't want to be lifeless.
i'm so run down and overextended right now.
learning the hard way how to say no.
find myself so distracted, preoccupied.
zoning out of conversations i so want to partake in.
my mind/soul is overflowing. i have no room for it.
don't want to miss my life flying by, but i'm dazed.

time flies away down a clean interstate. i'm staring drunk at a map.
so i let my hair down for the second time now for the final time now i've had my fun.
and there's no returning to those places we've been just repeat our slogan never again.

what can't stay goes away

yessss a message from 2 hotties in my life...

I've been having a ball
maybe things just got out of hand
I got too complacent
It cannot stay


it starts stopping when it starts stopping it starts stopping when it starts stopping...