rocking my senses

lovin the new EP
























and then of course there's this guy:

"there's a ghost in the room

i'm too scared to yell"

it's your aching smile that won't let me get away

there's a world outside
i could sleep all day



when the moon hangs high
don't forget to walk away

ferraby

"what was simple by the moonlight by the morning never is

now it's so complicated"

"but me i'm not a gamble

you can count on me to split"

"death will give us back to God just like the setting sun

is returned to the lonesome ocean"

God made us, and he is still working on us:)

spent more that 4 hours with char on the phone. love her. talked about our "constitution"s:) she and mom. simple. black/white. take what comes and do it. determination and sanity. don't panic, don't freak out. memeldad aren't so lucky. constant churn of overanalyzation, static of incessant thought of downward turning billowing ideas. i consider myself an optimist, and though ever was a happy child, also a worrier. tendency towards despair and terror. panic, definitely. fight to resist these waves of sheer terribleness. i did my best to keep my head. it was grass stained jeans and incompletes and... you think about yourself too much and you ruin who you love... so jealous of momchartypes and fear perrylyds lean much towards my/our self-berating tendencies. poor kids. must show them much love. some of us that self-love/acceptance doesn't come so naturally. always always envied char's quality, though granted once hated her confidence now see it a pure gem that it is. how to change the way you think? jamie. it's the the hardest thing to do. ruth's determination and unselfish service. kate. then my mind went dark... let's just take the train i'll meet up with the band in the morning... they just play tragic and the phone's ringin... let's just keep keep singin... i got a hunger and i can't seem to get full... do ya like to hurt i do i do then hurt me......

why i love my mom

i'm having a crappy day, complaining my head off, so naturally complaining my mom's ear off, stressed out, frustrated, utterly pissed and to top it all off, i put on my favorite fleece pants and find that sometime between now and presumably the last wash they now hit me mid-shin rather than ankle legnth. "OMgosh i exclaim my new fleece pants you gave me for christmas are shorter than capris somehow, crap". And though it is march at the time, it is cold and wet, yet mom breaks out with the prompt exuberant reply, "just in time for spring!" and i'm trying so hard to stay pissed off, but instead i laugh.



the childlike simple minded gumball machine lives

this one mmm. reminds me of seattle rain in a dark room and a very happy place and time

I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walkI keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights offBut Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loftSupplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be goneWhen everything is lonely I can be my own best friendI'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversationswith the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflectionThe mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shitAnd I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kissSo many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift itBut me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to splitThe love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't existYou're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted blackJust keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right backWell, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it badBut what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a dragI got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the trainAnd if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the sameWe might die from medication, but we sure killed all the painBut what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insaneAnd I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of thisThe reasons all have run away, but the feeling never didIt's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to liveCause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never isIt was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicatedIt was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlightSo simple in the moonlight...

disliked until liked the video

Did it all get real, I guess it's real enoughThey got refrigerators full of bloodAnother century spent pointing gunsAt anything that movesSometimes I worry that I've lost the plotMy twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughtsI never really dreamed of heaven muchUntil we put him in the groundBut it's all I'm doing nowListening for patterns in the soundOf an endless static seaBut once the satellite's deceasedIt blows like garbage through the streetsOf the night sky to infinityBut don't you weep (don't you weep for them)Don't you weep (don't you weep)There is nothing as luckyHoney, don't you weep (don't you weep for them)Don't you weep (don't you weep)There is nothing as lucky, as easy, or freeDon't be a criminal in this police stateYou better shop and eat and procreateYou got vacation days then you might escapeTo a condo on the coastI set my watch to the atomic clockI hear the crowd count down til the bomb gets droppedI always figured there'd be time enoughI never let it get me downBut I can't help it nowLooking for faces in the cloudsI got some friends I barely seeBut we're all planning to meetWe'll lay in bags as dead as leavesAll together for eternityBut don't you weep (don't you weep for them)Don't you weep (don't you weep)There is no one as luckyHoney, don't you weep (don't you weep for them)Don't you weep (don't you weep)There is nothing as lucky, as easy, or freeOr free, or free, or freeThere's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing...

Addendum Aug 26, 2009:
OMG, how this song took on new meaning after Will's tragic demise... We found out very shortly after this time about his diagnosis. Those were shocking times...

newest guilty pleasure music

i like bright eyes b/c it's music like i would write it if i did. cheesy, sentimental, evoking a feeling/idealisic sentiment whether blissfully/flippanty/sappily happy or dark and sad, but mostly always sentiment and tone. his songs have such an honest, laid-open chord they strike in me.

This is the first day of my lifeI swear I was born right in the doorwayI went out in the rain suddenly everything changedThey're spreading blankets on the beachYours is the first face that I sawI think I was blind before I met youNow I don’t know where I am I don’t know where I’ve beenBut I know where I want to goAnd so I thought I’d let you knowThat these things take foreverI especially am slowBut I realize that I need you And I wondered if I could come homeRemember the time you drove all nightJust to meet me in the morningAnd I thought it was strange you said everything changedYou felt as if you had just woke up And you said “this is the first day of my lifeI’m glad I didn’t die before I met you But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with youAnd I’d probably be happy”So if you want to be with meWith these things there’s no tellingWe just have to wait and seeBut I’d rather be working for a paycheckThan waiting to win the lotteryBesides maybe this time is differentI mean I really think you like me

"i dream in my sleep i dream in my days

of some sunny street not so far away

where up in a window a curtain will sway

and you and i'll meet down below

you and i'll meet down below"


thank you, Patty Griffin

reasons i like night shift

i get to see all the business suits of the world as i'm coming home from work
running before work in the sunshine
guilty pleasure (that is no longer guilty) of sleeping during a week day
eating sushi at 825 in the am and loving it
getting <5 phone calls all night
an hour of peace and quiet before construction begins
watching the sunrise over the city and the bay
seeing the horizon turn crimson as i leave on the train
phone calls to and from work
nibbling instead of eating meals

glad i didn't die before i met you

don't know where i am don't know where i've been but i know where i want to go








and if these things take forever then i especially am slow

i have so many feelings for which i don't have meaning

i have a strong desire for health

this means giving exercising, loving myself. loving others more. eating well, delighting in what's good, loving God, being pure of heart, being honest and humble, being filled with joy, and self-control, filling my life with goodness

Lost Cause v2

like tulip fields in washington, this video is a dream come true. we've been wanting to see him sing through gritted teeth behind lovely lashes from his pink lips "baby you're a lost cause" when he says he's tired of fighting with that look on his face, you can see it he's tired of fighting for a lost cause. and you want to hug him.

i want to fall in love. but i'm an idiot.

I'm an idealist and an introvert and love of people of all sorts-- diverse backgrounds styles etc. I love little old people. I'm indecisive, and laid back and content and simple. with an exhaustingly overactive mind. I love newness and travel, despise feeling stagnant. like science, outdoors, art, and water, sad songs and crying, but am absurdly cheerful. My favorite color is yellow and I love tulips and rain and all things that haunt. I daydream often and my night dreams are vivid, colorful, wildly bizzare and oft disturbing. Every one of my college roomates told me independently that i'm unlike anyone they've ever met. wasn't sure how to take that one any of the 3 times it occured:) my friends make fun of me for being the happiest person they know, most gullible, and for loving fruit to an insane extent. oh and seems to obvious in my life to even mention, but in case you don't know me at all, God and my family rate above anything i could ever mention.

eeeverybody. i like people. specially funny people and weird ones. and who are honest. or creative. able to be themselves and embrace all the messed-uppedness it humanly entails. and truthfully i like wholesome genuine people a lot too. perhaps because i myself am all of these things... why's it always ultimately about ourselves? lame.


thanking Jesus for giving a crap about crap like me, watching beck dance on the mixed business video, everything outdoors, reading, natureness, cooking, writing, art, running, pondering, water, music, riding my bike, travel, tofu, learning, siblings, Bible, old people, solitude, cultures, humility, green tea, eating every meal possible with chopsticks, saving the children, and hopefully adopting one day. hopefully being a nurse somewhere that really needs it one day.


makes me float-- is occasionally all that keeps me sane; Beck, The Shins, The Strokes, The Beatles, Jars of Clay, Chris Rice, Weezer, Rooney, Nickel Creek, Guster, The White Stripes, ELO, The Thrills, Oasis, Ben Kweller, Gorillaz, Counting Crows, The Natural History, Switchfoot, Queen, Better Than Ezra, Franz Ferdinand, The Flaming Lips, Pete Yorn, Coldplay, Juanes, Patty Griffin, Wilco...

Gardenstate, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Girl Interrupted, A Beautiful Mind, Tommy Boy, Rushmore, Gladiator, Princess Bride, Requiem for a Dream , Finding Neverland, Napoleon Dynamite, The Sandlot, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, I Heart Huckabees, Mickey Blue Eyes...

too endlessly fascinating and soul draining. but i end up crying everytime i turn it on.

Well besides Jesus Christ: Mother Teresa, Aunt Cheryl, Mrs. Kinder, Kathy, Ruth C., Cousin, LA, Mel, Char, Les and Bobby, P & L, Grandma J, old fit Japanese people, and anyone who writes incredible music and lyrics and sings too . writing skills always impress me.

Good poignant literature that hits at what I could never as perfectly articulate: Dostoevsky is a genious: Brothers Karamazov, Crime and Punishment, Notes From Underground. Also love Mere Christianity (and all C.S. Lewis), The Gift Nobody Wants, the Hot Zone, Evidence Not Seen, Abba's Child, The Jungle, The Hiding Place, The Man Who Was Thursday, The Scarlet Letter, Pilgrim's Progress, Every Day Apocalypse, Ray Bradbury stuff. The Bible! National Geographic (not a book but killer cool), Blue Like Jazz, Girl Meets God,

a little bit fun and a little bit scary

i've been crying lately. yesterday about the kid's confessing why they want to be baptized and then ran into the FREEZING pacific with rain and wind. ... "because Jesus did it and i want to do what he did" and crying about kids without families/parents. longing to adopt. "forever family" and "never, never leave me". my heart's been so broken about this lately. so broken.

easter with l j and abigail

thoughts on easter 06

kates note. ocean beach baptism. riina and ruth. LA and lydia's e-mail. Work and my first trip to the morgue with meghan. fridge of rows of bodies, biohazard juicy and buckets of floating parts. oh and giant cutting boards riveted with slices. creepy. don't lock me in there, and it was very early easter morning. the tomb where jesus lay. cool parallel. mel put it simply. jesus died. tix to ruth north carolina bright eyes cadbury and video game and shopping draino paycheck taxman. ferraby.