coping with LOSS
of someone you saw being in your life all down the road
Cannot recall the last time I viewed life as stable/static. probably high school, or at least pre-nursing school. I thought life was controllable back then...
When will got sick, I found CHAOS dominating
SO much, I've doubted God's goodness, His benevolence since then
Therefore these days I start prayer by telling God (myself really)
who He is
"I know you care/love/weep/treasure..."
I am realizing how LOSS (Will/Dre) has colored my view of God, lead to trust issues, difficulty believing that God is good, loving, benevolent,
and seeing how that's fleshed out in other areas of my life
Failure to trust God with my future, my desire for a family...
I realize I'm still very wounded (thought i was kinda over all this), carrying around these fundamental doubts of God's character and goodness
How can I believe what He has said/promised in His word?
Do I really think He has good for me?
(and do I WANT His "good" or something else altogether--
wanting Will to live > what God would do through his death)
how paralyzing for God to allow such pain in our lives
hard thereafter to trust His plan
amazing to find this is a common thread among friends
i brought it up, but none are unmarred,
hearts seem irrevocably scarred by similar events
"it's been 7 years, but I'm still stuck."
Now, after making mistakes based on my doubt of God, I am realizing/remembering that I don't know shit,
and I desperately want only what God gives/has/is
All here is temporal and I see only a single point/dot in all dimensions/time
Forgive me God for questioning Your sovereignty and especially Your GOODNESS
(and trying to take matters into my own hands)
Please reconcile those things in me,
Authenticity of hope and trust and belief
Cannot recall the last time I viewed life as stable/static. probably high school, or at least pre-nursing school. I thought life was controllable back then...
When will got sick, I found CHAOS dominating
SO much, I've doubted God's goodness, His benevolence since then
Therefore these days I start prayer by telling God (myself really)
who He is
"I know you care/love/weep/treasure..."
I am realizing how LOSS (Will/Dre) has colored my view of God, lead to trust issues, difficulty believing that God is good, loving, benevolent,
and seeing how that's fleshed out in other areas of my life
Failure to trust God with my future, my desire for a family...
I realize I'm still very wounded (thought i was kinda over all this), carrying around these fundamental doubts of God's character and goodness
How can I believe what He has said/promised in His word?
Do I really think He has good for me?
(and do I WANT His "good" or something else altogether--
wanting Will to live > what God would do through his death)
how paralyzing for God to allow such pain in our lives
hard thereafter to trust His plan
amazing to find this is a common thread among friends
i brought it up, but none are unmarred,
hearts seem irrevocably scarred by similar events
"it's been 7 years, but I'm still stuck."
Now, after making mistakes based on my doubt of God, I am realizing/remembering that I don't know shit,
and I desperately want only what God gives/has/is
All here is temporal and I see only a single point/dot in all dimensions/time
Forgive me God for questioning Your sovereignty and especially Your GOODNESS
(and trying to take matters into my own hands)
Please reconcile those things in me,
Authenticity of hope and trust and belief
posted by marcelle at
12:05 PM
1 Comments:
Oh, girl. this is so much. But I'm going to attempt to address some of the things you said.
Wanting what God has... But what is it? What is going on in life then and now and in this moment and in this day and phase and era and what? If it makes you feel better, I'm not at a place where I can ask God to help me want what he wants and be honest. He is weird. And I'm not sure he is benevolent. Caring/careful/amazing/good sure. because I don't know what good is, I can easily accept that God knows everything and he is good. But benevolent? I don't know about that. He's weird. And far away. right? maybe not. I surely don't know.
And I've been really thinking on Perry lately because he is not crazy and I really just get where he's at. It's a hard place and it breaks my heart, but I'm familiar with that place and unafraid of it. That relates because he is so genuine in his doubt and distance and hiding. Not genuine in an honest-about-his-feelings kinda way, but genuinely forced into those lifestyle choices because of what is in his world/mind/spirit. He may be the wisest person in the world. He may crippled by that wisdom. My guess is this.
I don't have a point. I just miss you. But props to you for working through these things/questioning your choices.
What is God's good?
By
mjaneb, at 11:23 PM
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