melancholy

why is it that I love sad songs and feelings so much, when am such an easygoing happy person. My friends would say I'm the most cheerful and happy person they know (though I know Mariah is); every roommate I've had has told me that I am not like anyone they know, and Lauren (my most recent roommate) said she was astounded to find that I "really am so happy all the time." "She wakes up whistling and singing!" Lauren exclaims. And I do, and am incredibly enthusiastic about many many things, life in general. Yet for some reason I love sad songs and dark movies and serious contemplation. It appeals to me so much. Gloomy rainy days make me smile, dance, sing. I love feeling somber... and alone. That seems so wierd. And yesterday I stumbled upon a song that has been around for awhile apparently, but since when was I ever up on anything:) It's called Mad World by Gary Jules and is so beautiful and well written. It struck something in me. The lyrics follow:

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out places
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one know me
No one know me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world

Somehow I relate. I think that growing up a little bit does that to you. Life is really hard sometimes. That's life, that is a fallen, screwed up, mad mad world. It hurts. It's ironic and surreal at times, baffling and troubling. Yet in accepting the seemingly reigning chaos is peace and even happiness. This is real. This is life. God is here, somewhere, even if we don't feel Him at the moment. Christianity is not about pretending everything is fine. Heck, you can even deceive yourself for awhile if you want. But reality is rough, and Jesus came and lived it. Just because you have hope doesn't mean you don't struggle. But somehow there's joy in the fact that it's real and that this life isn't all there is. Sometimes that's all that keeps me going.

"Put a song in your throat
Let the dead beats pound all around
We will go nowhere we know
We don't have to talk at all...
ramshackle land...'Til we found our one and all".