o crap

i'm getting scared. not really of a new life and a real job (OK granted that's pretty scary too) but most of all of leaving this family. I love them SO MUCH I can't even express and enjoy them intensely and immensely. They make me laugh, oh they make me laugh. Lydia's little hugs and Perry's smart quips. Mel's profound depth and Char's childlike affection. Mommy's warmth/hugs and Daddy's quiet love. I'm ill to think of leaving them for who knows how many months before I see their faces again, how much they'll grow up and grow together before I am with them again, if I'll ever be with them in this way and amount and context ever again. I don't know, I don't know and that scares the frickin crap out of me. really really. Making new friends (when I have such kickin awesome ones here, already) is sucky too, though of course it will be fun. It just won't be the same. Things will never ever be the same again, and I like them so much already. It's like leaving high school all over again, but much bigger and farther and more permanently. I fear the changes in relationships and people, mostly my siblings. I'm afraid I'll never belong in quite the same way again in this family or be as close to my siblings again. I'm not one to be overdramatic, but these are my intense fears. I can't imagine anything worse to me than drifting from these relationships with my precious precious family. Holy crap this is gonna hurt.