last year

Although I must say this time a year ago I was in my hardest and worst semester (among anyway—maybe only slightly worse than that which preceded it) it was the one in which I discovered music—an onslaught of beautiful, sad, nonsensical, clever, intricate, original, poignant, lovely, honest, deep, flippant , talented, high-inducing songs that rocked my world—lost and gone forever and several from beck among the first and foremost and they made me float and escape—soar above my wretchedness—TRANCENDENCE—ah that’s the word—everything I so longed for, all that desired and satisfied me hinged on this one mysterious word-- in some way shape or form to rise above the mess to slash past my constant fears, shame, and intense feelings of hate and sick despair—it was nursing school, yes, but school alone could have not such effects—constant inner turmoil that had once resurfaced to plague me, veering further out of sane control and yet never fully off an edge, though often I thought I had reached it—never abandoned by the Lord though I felt a thick gray fog separating and knew I deserved it and much more—it all seems such an insanity of the past—like a strange dream or movie or parallel universe. And yet remnants persist, fragmented shards of the past, showing me it was all too real to forget.
I realize that in some small way, I liked my suffering, I sought comfort in it’s warm familiarity and sharp edge and think back on it’s embrace in awe, a daze, and in almost fond memory. The curse that walked so closely with me, it became my friend. And it’s tough even still to part ways…