deep sadness

groan. sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. find myself short with my loved ones, so in torment am i over these thoughts. i find myself ever so conscious of the brevity of my time here and the vast months between these short visits. depresed and deeply sad over my absence from their lives and their absence from mine. not that it seems different or that things have greatly changed in the past three, because they really don't seem to have all that significantly. but just knowing that i wont be with them, makes my heart so so lonely. i have the deepest most complete sense of belonging here, that there's nowhere in the whole world i'd rather be than here. that my motivation for leaving was purely selfish, wanting to experience change and adventure but at what cost? to lose the most precious thing i know on this earth? and was/is it all worth it? and don't even know what to talk to them about, so preoccupied am i with this grief. i want to cry. i felt this too in October when i visited for a week. i cried myself to sleep every night that trip. so brokenhearted i was over this. and this time it's less fresh, the wounds are more healed, less traumatic, more calloused, scarred, permanent. it pierces me deep in my soul with a hard solid dull weighty pain. and i feel so lost.